Balance

I have many things to learn in this life. The hardest of which is how to be happy for those around me while dealing with my own pain. There are many people in my life that I am happy for, but being around them hurts me. Not by any fault of theirs. Not because I am bitter at them,or unhappy for them, but more because of the sharp reality they are of what I am missing. I don't expect anyone to understand what I mean by this. Unless you have been where I have, you will not. To most it all probably sounds shallow, and selfish. See it how you like. I believe that a person can be happy for people around them but hurting at the same time. I know this because I feel it all the time. A sense of joy for someone else, and at the same time a stabbing pain brought on by the reminder of what I am missing. And while I know one day I will hold Mackinley in my arms again, this year of firsts without her is a hard thing to balance. Sometimes it feels as though I held her alive in my arms just moments ago. While other times it seems as though it was a bad dream I have just awoken from. Either way balancing the sorrow that comes, when I am reminded that she is not here, with the peace of knowing she can be mine forever is a lesson that will take time. But as I think on this Chrstmas season I am comforted by thoughts of a loving Heavenly Father that sent a son to earth knowing he would have to watch him die. And he did all of this because he loved me (and you). Because he wanted us to be together forever. And by this great sacrifice I will hold my beautiful daughter in my arms again. In the meantime I will take these hard life-lessons, and hope that they mold me into the person my Heavenly Father sent me here to be. And pray for the strenghth to learn to balance the joy and pain that this life can bring.

Whisperings

As I watch people around me getting ready to welcome new babies into their lives. Sometimes in my mind I wish we would have fought to keep Mackinley with us, and I wonder how long she could have stayed if we would have chosen to fight for her life. Would we have had hours, instead of minutes, maybe a day or two, or even a week, or month. And then a whisper comes to my heart that takes me back to the moment 2 days before her birth, when Jared and I where told by the spirit that it was "time to let her go, she had done what she came to do." And while yes I wish she could have stayed longer, that sweet whispering that reminds me we did the right thing, brings peace to my troubled mind.... and I am reminded of a song that says, reffering to our Heavenly Father "sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He calms his child." And it is then that I am reminded that while I am sure it is difficult for Heavnely Father to see us suffer, I know the storms that enter my life are to better me, and to mold me into something more than I am. And I am thankful everyday calm that comes to my spirit, as I wait for the time I will hold Mackinley in my arms again.

The Holidays

The fall holiday season is upon us, with Halloween next week. This will be a growing experience for our family as we prepare to celebrate without Mackinley here. Jordyn asked me the other day "Mom, when is Jesus coming to our house?" I replied, "I don't know honey, why?" "Because when he comes again Mackinley will be here, and when we eat she can sit in my chair at the table, and I will let her weep (sleep) in my bed with me." My children are so blessed to have been able to experience such a wonderful teaching opportunity that will continue throughout their lives.
As I was at a friends house ( who has a baby) Avery (being Avery) says to my friend.. "you are so lucky, your baby didn't die." At this time I replied to her "and you are lucky to have a baby sister waiting for you in Heaven, not everyone has an angel baby, like we do." She still struggles to understand the why, but sometimes so do I.
And Tucker, he just tells me how much he "loves Mackinley, and when he gets to Heaven he will be the BEST BROTHER EVER" And I believe every word. He then throws in a plug for how much he "REALLY wants a brother." I choose not to think about that right now, or anytime in the near future.........
And Jared and I, well all I can say there is I am married to the most wonderful, understanding, compassionate man in the world. And am so thankful to have had him at my side through all of this............

6 months

It's hard to believe that on Wednesday you would have been 6 months old. Instead you are six months gone. I miss you soo much. And often feel that Heaven is a eternity away. I see people I know having babies all around me. I do not believe that I am bitter, just hurt. I have learned that bitterness is when you are not happy for other people. And I am so happy for them because I know all too well how much of a miracle a baby truely is. And so yes I am happy beyond words. I never knew you could be happy for someone and sad at the same time. I saw a friend and her new baby the other day. And while I was so happy for her the thought kept running through my head of "please don't ask me if I want to hold your baby, because I don't want you to be offended when I say no, I can't, it hurts too much." That is the difference between bitter and hurt. I sometimes think maybe we should try again. And then I wonder would I even be able to hold my own baby, or would it still hurt to much. I often wonder what would you be doing? How would you have handled me going back to work? Would you be crawling? sitting up? Smiling at the sound of my voice? Would you be a daddy's girl like your sisters? And sometimes I wonder why I was chosen for this? Why where you given to me? I am no better than anyone else, average at best? Am I ever going to live well enough to be able to have you again? There are so many things I am failing at, how do I possibly deserve such a special little girl? I wrote this for Mackinley the other day...
Waiting:
Today you would be six months old
Bringing to us joys untold.
Crawling, smiling, and laughing a loud
The center of attention in every crowd.
But these things they were not meant to be
For God has take you home you see
So now I wait impatiently
To hold you in Eternity.

I am by no means a poet but writing is how I cope. This is really my first bad day in quite a while....which is good I guess. It's amazing how even with her gone I still worry about her. I wory the kids will forget her. I worry that I am not putting flower out like I should, I often worry that people will buy the plots next to her before we can afford to. I know this might sound dumb but I don't want her to be by strangers. I worryt hat we will never get her stone picked out. Jared keeps telling me we need to get her head stone picked out. But I don't think I can do it, after all I have had to do I just don't think I am strong enough for that. There is something about it that when I think about going in and picking one terrifies me, like it makes it all real. I worry about how I am going to get my family through the up coming holidays. The list is endless. But my biggest fear is that I will fall short andnot get to have her when it is all said and done.

If thou endure it well

A loss is a hard thing no matter what. And with it there is pain that comes and goes. Few things besides the gospel can bring true peace. And even then there are times when I really have to seek to overcome the sorrow It requires a faith that for me has to be sought after as it tends to come and go. But when the pain brings me to my knees before my Heavenly father there are always the same things that come to my mind....1."In the spirit world, the spirits of the righteous " are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they rest from all their troubles and from all care and sorrow." (True to the Faith and Alma 40:12)2. Having true faith in Jesus Christ....means believing that even hough you do not understand all things, He does. Remember that because He has experienced all your pains, afflictions,and infirmities, He knows how to help you rise above your daily afflictions."(True to the Faith)
3. D&C 121:7-8"... peace be unto thy soul; thins adversities and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
And then if thou endure it well God shall exhalt thee on high....
So while sometimes these "moments" of adversity feel as thou they will last a lifetime...there is no other choice but to endure

I put things away today

A friend of mine once said "Healing comes once peace at a time." I find that to be so true. It has been almost 5 months now. And today I took the stack of things next to my bad and put them in my pine chest. This wasn't just any stack of things it was MAckinley's stack. Her blankets, her memory box from the hospital. Those things that were sitting there day in and day out reminding me that I had a baby with Trisomy 18. A baby that Heavenly Father loved so much he only asked her to come and get a body then she could return to him. And he trusted Jared and I with her. What a blessing to be trusted with such a special gift. To be given our own miracle. My heart swells when I kneel next to little Jordyn(3 yrs) as she says her prayers that always include "bless "Kinley" help her be strong and healthy and big." I had no intention of putting those things away today. I just walked into my room and knew it was time. I have often been asked if we will try again. Right now I have no idea. I can't even bring myself to hold a new born baby. BUt I believe that when my heart is healed the day will come when I will be able to do that, and then I will know; just as I knew it was time to put things away. The same kind of knowing that came when I knew we were supposed to have Mackinley, and the same kind of knowing that came when a sweet voice whispered to me that it was time to let her go. Heavnly Father blesses our lives in many ways. And sometimes in a way we didn't ask for or can understand. But I know as the years pass when I look back there won't be a single day that I will regret what I have gone through. It helps me to strive to be a better person every day. It has drawn me closer to my husband, and my children. And above all it has given me a knowledge of the love that my Heavenly Father has for me. And a sure testimony of the atonement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I have felt him pick me up and carry me when I felt I could no longer walk. I have felt his arms encircle me when my heart was breaking and above all I have felt peace in times I was sure I was going to fall apart. So as i put things away. I am so thankful that a perfect baby girl chose me to be her "mommy" and I look forward to the day when I can tell her how much I love her,because she has told me many many times over the past 5 months. A sweet whisper to my heart as real as if she were standing next to me.

Longing

Today as I look through through the girls' closet for their church clothes I see the dresses we bought them for the funeral. And I feel a knot in my chest and tears forming in my eyes. I miss her always, but don't think about it all the time. It has been almost 4 months now. And I can honestly say I am doing great. I understand and know in my heart that she was never meant to stay here, and that she will be mine to hold again one day. But every so often a tiny spark of doubt creeps into my head and I think, should we have tried harder to save her. Could she still be with us now, if we had gone to a big hospital and taken ever measure. When this happens I muster all the strength I possess and push it away. I was told in my heart it was time to let her go. But that doesn't replace the emptiness I feel when I mom holding a baby around the same age. Will I ever be able to hold a baby again. I see friends and family having babies and while I long to hold mine I have no desire to hold theirs. And while I now I can hold Mackinley again I often wonder "Am I living good enough for that to happen, there are so many things I need to do better." There is a Mackinley on Tucker's T-ball team and every time they call her name I feel like my heart is breaking in two, knowing will willnever sit at ball games for MY Mackinley...And yet everyday in my prayers I will thank my Heavenly father for sending her to us, and ask him to let her know how much she is loved by her mom, and how I can't wait to hold her again.

A New Meaning For Memorial Day

It is Memorial Day weekend. It seems as though about every 4 weeks something comes along that is a sharp reminder of the baby girl I no longer hold in my arms. And this one is no-less painful. What a hard thing to go to that tiny spot at the cemetary,. I told Jared that I was doing special flowers for Mackinley. It is so hard to know that as her mom there was nothing I could do for her, to make her whole. And while I know I gave her that body she needed to be able to enjoy eternal life, sometimes I feel as though I did so little for her. While she has done so much for me. As we stood gathered around her small little plot my sweet Tucker said to me. "Mom, don't be sad. Mackinley isn't here she is in Heaven and she is happy." What a blessing to be able to teach so fully the plan of Salvation to my children. For them to know that there is more to this life. SO while this weekend and all the holidays that will follow are a painful reminder of what our family has lost they are an equally joyful reminder of what we have to look forward to. What we are striving to become. And while learning to balance both emotions is a hard thing, it is something I hope will become easier with time. Aren't we all just stones in the river, tossed and turned when the current of life is strong. And all the while that current is polishing us into something great if we let it. So while my hearts aches for my baby girl, and sometimes the tears overflow, I am thankful she chose to be a part of our lives. I will never feel closer to Heaven than I did for that 20 minutes of her life.

Perspective in times of loss

I spoke to someone today that lost a child. They asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm doing good." The response was. "You can't really be doing good you have buried a baby. I know how that feels and for the rest of your life you will say you are good when in reality you are only doing okay." I thought about this for a while after we finished talking. And YES I HAVE BAD days. The other day I totally griped and whined to my sister-in-law (thank's for listening)
But the reality is I am doing good, and some days even GREAT. Holidays, and the 7th of each month will never be the same. And neither will my birthday. ( I had ALWAYS DREADED turning thiry. It must have been premonition because, as most of you know, my 30th birthday was spent at Mackinley's viewing.)
And while there are deffinately CRAPPY days and moments. I feel very strongly it is mostly perspective. you can let what happens to you ruin you and send you into the depths of despair. Or you can take the plate you have been dished and let in bend shape and mold you into something more than you were. Yes, I still have my struggles. It is hard too look like you had a baby a while ago and not have one to show for it. I wake to that everyday. It is hard to answer the question "how many kids do you have" To see people walking around with a baby the same age as yours should be. I have yet to hold a newborn baby. And the truth is I have NO desire to right now. The day that changes I am sure I will feel whole again.
Butthe simple truth is LIFE IS HARDit doesn't matter who you are. We all struggle. But what are we doing with those struggles. We are all stones rough and jagged around the edges it is how we deal with the trials washing around us that poish us into something beautiful.

Bumps in the road

This past weekend was much harder then I thought it would be. Saturday marked the two month date that Mackinley came and left. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. Sometimes it sits in my mind as clear as if it was yesterday. And sometimes it all seems to have been just a bad dream from ages ago. And yet when a day like mother's day comes all the pain and heartache come flooding back. It is days like that I am reminded that I should be celebrating this day with my 3 older children and a baby in my arms. I almost started crying in the middle of Wal-Mart as I was picking out mother's day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. It is times like these that for a brief moment I think, if we would have gone somewhere else and did the whole life-support, take ever measure, would I be spending mother's day with that beautiful little girl? And when these thoughts creep in I have learned to push them away. I could make myself crazy with "why's" and "what ifs". It is times like this I remind myself that while at the Temple I was told it was time to let her go and that it is okay. It is as it should be she is happy whole and waiting for me. And while eternity seems forever away I know the time in this life is just a blink compared to the time I will have with her. So while I will continue to have bumps in the road of life,I will choose to make this journey and the hard days it brings stepping stones and not stumbling blocks. And I will find peace in the knowledge that we made the right choice we chose what was best for her. Not what we wanted but what she needed. And I know in my heart she is thankful for that.

Moving Forward

In preparation for the days, months, etc... after leting Mackinley go I read many blogs. And it always seemed that people walked around in a fog that seemed to take forever to clear. I will admit the first week wasn't horrible. But every waking second was spent preparing for the viewing and funeral. The second week was excruciating. While I remaind tough during the days when bedtime rolled around Jared spent most nights holding me as I cried. It will be one month tomorrow that our little angel slipped into heaven. And life is moving on. Yes I think of her. Not as often as I used to. And she doesn't consume my thoughts as I thought she would. Little things will remind me of her. The hardest part was when a stranger asked me if I had other children besides Jordyn. I said no and then felt horrible. i decided that isn't the response for me. I like to talk about her, I like to share her. She is my child and I am thankful for all that she taught me.
I feel myself healing everyday. I have learned healing is like a puzzle it comes one "peace" at a time. And I find that I only want to remember those sweet tender moments. Even as I look back on the pictures i can tell when she was no longer "there". We were blessed to be given a digital picture frame by my sister and brother in-law. Right now it shows all Mackinley's pictures. And I have felt strongly that it is time to change it to those ones that bring peace as I view them. I can feel her desire for me to be at peace and to move ahead. I am so thankful for the knowledge of a Heavenly Father that trusted our family enough to send such a special, Valiant spirit to our family. What a miracle the atonement of Jesus Christ is that allows us to be forgiven of our sins. And what a blessing it is to know that Jared and I have an eternal marriage sealed in the Temple that makes my family eternal. I feel Mackinley often reminding me of what lays ahead and encouraging me to keep moving forward.

A balancing act

It has been three weeks now since I held Mackinley. Sometimes it is hard to believe this is all real. The hardest thing now is finding balance. I don't feel guilt for being able to laugh, and enjoy my life. I know that Mackinley is whole and happy. And I know she wants the same for our family. The hard thing is how to move on without feeling like I am forgetting her. I think it is often easier for people to not talk to me about her, because they think it is easier for me. But just as I have shared her nine month journey with our family, I want to continue to share her. She is a part of our eternal family, one of my 4 children, and I don't hold her any less important because she only spent 20 minutes in my arms. What a miraculous 20 minutes she gave. And so now I walk a balance beam, of holding on while letting go all at the same time. Yes, there are ups and downs, but the downs are few and far between. And I am so thankful for the healing that I feel in my heart, and see taking place in my home. And I am thankful for a family that has so faithfully traveled this journey with me. Jared is my rock, he keeps me grounded. And the love my children have for their sister will always amaze me. I know I will never forget Mackinley and it is my hope that even though Avery, Tuck, and Jordyn are so young they will hold her close in their hearts. I never imagined my family would be blessed with such a wonderful experience. SO together we walk this road of life waiting for the day our family is whole.

3 steps forward 2 steps back

Monday will be 2 weeks since Mackinley joined and left our family. I spent the last 5 months looking forward to as well as dreading her birth. Knowing that it would take her from us. And I spent a lot of time wondering how I would keep going. Would I spend my days crying, mourning the baby I no longer hold? Would I feel as though any instances of joy were a betrayal to her? How would I keep going? The morning after we had Mackinley I woke around 8am. Jared was still sleeping and our other 3 children were at his parents house. As I left the bedroom for a shower Jared asked me where I was going. I told him "I have to make a choice. I have to get out of this bed because if I don't I will lay here and cry all day." Just as that day consisted of making a concious choice to move forward so has everyday since she left. Each morning I have to chose to get out of bed and move ahead. Jared has helped me so much, when people ask questions and I can't muster the strength to speak he takes that burden from me.
We had the opportunity to go to a Utah Jazz basketball game this week. Being LDS we made sure to stop in at Temple square, before we came home. While we were there we watched a video about God's plan for families and the role and responsibilities of parents. This video is shown in different rooms that depict different life events in families. The second room we entered was a nursery for a baby girl, and it greeted us with the cry of a newborn baby. The second I entered I broke down, and the whole in my heart ripped wide open. As the video played it talked about how as parents we need to teach our children that they are childen of a heavenly Father that loves them, and that families are forever,and ho w much they are loved by their parents. While my heart ached fo the baby not in my arms there was a peace that came to me. It came as a testament to me that MAckinley knows she is a daughter of God and that he loves her, she knows her family is forever, and she knows how much Jared and I love her. The second I walked into the visitors center I felt her with me, walking with Jared and I in that holy place.
And while the days are rough, and sometimes the pain is so intense I can't even talk about her because it hurts so deeply, I will continue on. I push through the days and when I kneel next to my incredible husband in prayer to close our day the tears pour as if a dam has broken. Because I feel her near and long to hold her, I will keep going taking what seems to be 3 steps forward and sliding 2 steps back, because I know what I need to do to hold her again. And when the times are espically hard I say to myself the scripture I shared at her viewing. John 14:27 "peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto to you. Let not your heart be troubled neithe let it be afraid." I know where she is and i know she is waiting.

Fast and slow

Time has a way of doing strange things. It seems to me that is goes fast as well as slow. Friday night we held a viewing for Mackinley. Looking back I know that I was blessed with Mackinley's presence. As well as a loving Heavenly Father that held me together through it all. It was wonderful to be able to share her and her sweet spirit with our family and friends. Saturday was her funeral, what a beautiful day. The weather couldn't have been any better. A slight breeze, and the sun warming my face. The service was perfect. Once again I could feel her with me, as I stood and spoke of all the things she taught myself and my family. What a holy day. What a miracle, for us.
One week ago today I held her in my arms, watched her cry her first tiny cry. I watched her proud daddy cut the cord, and shed tears as he held her tight. One week ago today I watched her cry her last cry. I watched slip into Heaven, I felt her leave. I cried tears of sorrow, not for her because I know she is whole and happy, but for us because we are the ones that must keep moving forward. One week ago today our family received an angel, one that we will hold in our hearts until we are able to hold her in our arms.
While she is gone she is still here, yesterday as we had lunch with some family a blessing was being said on the food, and I could feel her with me. I know as time passes she will come and go. And while there are still tears to be cried, there is joy to be found in the knowledge that Heaven is real, and that families are FOREVER, and in the fact that our family has and forever will be blessed to have 3 beautiful daughters. Two that are here with us and one that is waiting, and cheering us on.
Mackinley we are so thankful that you gave us 20 minutes in our lives, a lifetime in our hearts, and ETERNITY in Heaven.

Our Prayers are Answered

Monday March 7th, 2011 our little angel MAckinley Ann Koyle returned home to her Heavenly Father. After spending all night in the hospital and taking a pill every three hours to help my labor go faster my body went into labor on it's own. As we have gone through this there have been many small miracles. The nurse gave me an extra pill, a blessing from Heaven. The doctor was worried that the pitocin would make my contractions to hard on Mackinley so the extra pill made me n ot need any pitocin at all. Because MAckinley was bottom first-breech they were hoping to deliver her in the fluid sack to prevent the possibility of her becoming stuck in the birth canal. At 12:00 pm Dr Dowdle came in and said I was fully dialated. At that point I didn't feel the need to push. At about 12:15 the nurse came inn and I told her I needed to push. This had to be the most terrifying moment of my life. I knew that while pushing would give Mackinley to us it would also take her away. And so at 12:20 I began pushing. Because of MAckinley's condition I had excessive fluid, and while they had hoped that my bag would stay intact it ruptered. You would have thought someone had just dumped a 5 gallon bucket on the floor. The blessings continued to abound after 7 minutes of pushing and manuvering Mackinley she delivered breech without a single problem. Her proud daddy cut the cord as she lay on my chest. Her heartrate dropped from 129 to 80. And as we knew there would be moments where she would not breath we just held her and loved her. She took 4 small cries and at 12:52 her heart stopped beating. Her birth certificate says she lived 15 minutes but I knew she was with us for longer then that. Her spirit stayed long enough for everyone that came to feel of her presence. I remember the moment someone was holding her and they gave her back to me and I knew she was gone. And it was okay. We have spent the last 6 months praying for the opportunity to hold her so she could feel our love, and that was what we received. And so while I willl always miss her I am okay because I know she is waiting for me, and she is whole and knws how much we love her. And I will thank my heavenly Father for every second I was able to have her in my arms, and to see the pride on Jared's face as held our beautiful baby girl.

Peace and comfort

As I sit in the hospital I contemplate the many blessing my family has experienced as we have made this journey with Mackinley. Last night Jared and I had the opportunity to go to the Temple. What a blessing that was to us. That is where we were when we felt that we needed to have Mackinley. And as I was there last night I felt the most amazing sense of peace and comfort come over me. As the spirit told me that "everything will be okay. It is time to let her go." And it is okay. The reason it is okay is because Heaven is an amazing place! And when she is there she will be whole and happy. And waiting for me. And while the thought of letting her fo is sad. And the days will be hard. There is a peace that comes from knowing that she has fulfilled her earthly mission here on earth. And has earned her place in the presence of our Heavenly Father. Every minute we have had with Mackinley is a miracle. The fact that we have had 38 weeks with her is a medical miracle. And knowing that she will be whole when she returnes to Heaven eases the pain of letting her go. It is time. She has done what she needed. And so knwing this it will be with a heart full of love and gratitued that I will let her go when the time come. And i will thank my Heavenly Father for sending such a blessing to my family.

The Sands of Time

I feel like I am in the bottom of an hour glass and over the past 5 months the sand has been slowly falling down on me. And now with just 2 days left time has about ran out. I can't even begin to describe the jumble of emotions going through me. Right now I sit on the verge of tears. Am I really strong enough for this? Sometimes I think I have spent the last 5 months trying to convince myself of the answers I give everyone else when they ask " How are you doing?" Can I really let go of someone I love so much? I have never asked "why." I know why. She is a perfect spirit sent to an imperfect body because she has already earned her place in Heaven. The questions that run through my head have more to do with my own self doubt. Am i really strong enough for this? People tell me "You are so strong. I don't know how you do this. or You are such an amazing example." In all reality I feel weak, vulnerable, and broken.And while I type this in tears, if you were to come to my door right now and ask how I was doing the second you rang the bell the tears would dry up and without a blink of the eye I would say. "I am doing good. And pretend I am strong." I would pretend I have it all together. When really I feel like I am falling apart. But that is the part I tuck away. Don't get me wrong I am not wallowing in self pity. This isn't a case of poor me. It is more the fear of will I be able to keep going for myself, my husband, my kids. I know Mackinley will be okay. And yes I will hold her again. But will I make it until then? How do I pick myself up they day I go home without her? I know life is about the tests we are given and how we choose to deal with them is a great part of the test. In all my rambling my biggest fear is the unknown. Will we get 1 minute, a few hours, days, weeks. Or will we after 9 months of waiting lose her before we even get to say hello? This is what is breaking me down. I know I will pick up and move on. Life doesn't stop and I have to choose to keep going because I have an amazing husband, and 3 beautiful children that need their mom. And for this I am blessed. So everyday I will look for something good. And eventually there will be more good days then bad days. Will it stop all the pain? No. She will forever be a part of me and our family. And there will always be a place in my heart that will ache, when those first that we won't get will come along, that is when it will hurt the most. But my testimony of the plan of salvation and that fact that Heavenly Father loves each of us so much that he willingly allowed his son to suffer and die so that we could return to him will be enough. Because I have felt of a love that great. And I know how much of a sacrifice that truly was. Not only was Heavenly father willing, but so was my brother Jesus Christ. And because of this my family will be together forever. And one day I will hold my beautiful baby girl, and watch her laugh and smile and grow up. So knowing that she is waiting for me will give me the drive to continue on. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Booties

A family friend that works with Jared's mom made this little booties for Mackinley. They will be perfect with her dress. Thank you Shirley.

7 Days and peace will come

In 7 days we will welcome MAckinley into our family. As I was browsing the Internet I found a LDS family in Utah that had a little girl with Trisomy 18. I have often wondered how I will emotionally handle Mackinley's birth. Reading this blog was such a comfort to me as she wrote of the peace she felt the entire time. They only had 45 minutes with their little girl. But the mom said she was filled with peace the entire time. And the spirit was very strong. I hope this is our situation. When we were first told last week the Mackinley is "transverse breech" which is only deliverable by C-section. I became very worried. I have no desire for a c-Section. But after a few days of concern I finally knelt down and like everything else in Mackinley's life turned it over to the Lord. As we pray daily as a family and individuals our only request has been to be able to have alive long enough to share our love for her. I have felt strongly this will be answered. So after a lenghthy discussion with Heavenly Father I told him I just want what will provide us with the opportunity to hold her alive whether it be hours or a matter of minutes. I believe the peace will come when Mackinley leaves. The veil between Heaven and Earth is thin and while this will be hard for a long time, blessings will abound and we will see miracles take place. i have never felt that Mackinley will live for a long time. That is not the miracle I expect. The miracle will come in the form of peace, love, and understanding for myself, Jared, Avery, Tucker, and even little Jordyn, as well as all our extended family and friends.

Catching a break........

I have tried really hard to be positive through all of this and so far it hasn't been that hard to find the good. But after the doctor appotinment today, I am going to take a minute to complain. After all we have been through over the past 5 months you would think we just might catch some sort of break. No such luck. Last week when we went in Mackinley was head down and I was at a one. Today I am still at a one and sh eis now completely breech. I have no desire to have a c-section. So on the 7th when i go in to be induced they will try to turn her. If they cannot turn her they will try to deliver her breech. And if she gets stuck I will be headed for an emergency c-section. Why does this cause me to complain? After all I have had 4 major surgeries in my life so what's one more. Here is my fear. If I have a c-section there is a good possibility that they will removed her alive. And while I lay on the table being sewn back together from the surgery she could die. Which means I will lay one that table wondering if she is alive and because of the surgery I might never get to hold her alive. It terrifies me and breaks my heart to think that if she doesn't turn and ends up stuck I could lay on the operating table while she takes her last breaths without her mom. AM I angry at our situation? No, we aren't given anymore then we can handle. I just pray that this isn't something the Lord thinks I can handle. Through all of this I don't feel I have asked him for much, I never asked for this trial to be taken away. I have only asked that we be able to hold her alive just long enough to share our love, hugs, and kisses. So I will spend the next 12 days asking him to help us, to let her turn, or atleast not become stuck if she doesn't. But in the end it is his will, and I will accept whatever may come. PLease keep her in your prayers.

What lies ahead

Today as I was cleaning the kitchen my mind began to wander to what life might be like after Mackinley has returned home to Heaven. As I pondered this I was taken back to shortly after we learned of all of her complications. It was early November and the weather was nice enough for us to go for a walk as a family. As we walked by a little park next to the walking path by our home Avery and Tucker began to play in the leaves. As I stood watching them my heart was filled with joy. Soon our whoel family was throwing leaves and laughing and playing. As the fun wound down and we resumed our walk I was ovecome with tears. Tears of joy for the three beautiful children that bless my life daily. Accompanied by tears of grief and an almost overwhelming emptiness for the baby that should be playing in the leaves with us next fall, but will be watching from Heaven instead. As this scene replayed in my mind, as clear as if I was right there in that moment, I felt the whispering of the Holy Ghost telling me that there will be many hard days. Just as that day was hard. But if I strive to find and cherish the small joys that each day includes I will make it. And when the joys seem too hard to find those are the days that I will be carried. I know the days ahead are going to be hard. But I also know that my Heavenly Father loves me and because of that he will not give me any trial that I cannot overcome as long as I seek his help. Part of me is just as excited to bring Mackinley in to the world as I was for my other children. I cannot wait to meet her and tell her how much I love her and how thankful I am for all she has taught me and the great blessing she will always be to me. Someone once asked me after learning of all of her complications if we would still have an open casket when we have the viewing. My response was a resounding yes. No matter what she is a beautiful child of God, so faithful that she only needs to come for a body before she can re-enter the presesnce of our Heavenly Father. And no matter what her disabilities my be she will be beautiful to me. I am soo thankful for a merciful Heavenly Father that I know will not have her stay here in pain, that I will be able to return her to him where she will be whole and waiting for Jared and I. And while losing her is going to leave an emptiness in me it is such a comfort to know that not only did Christ suffer for my sins in the Garden of Gethsemene, he suffered for any earthly pain I would ever feel. And he knows what I am going through. And will carry me.

The one she will take with her

We have been so blessed by so many acts of love and kindness it has been amazing to say the least. When we found out the our baby Mackinley would not live I went in and told my boss about all of the complications and what we were facing. She then asked, "Is there anythign I can do for you?" My first response was no, then I remembered that Laurie(my boss) is an amazing quilter so i asked her if she would make a white quilt for us to bury Mackinley with. OF course being the great woman she is she said yes. And about 2 days ago presented me with the finished product. The pictures do no justice. It is beautiful, with each bow hand tied and sewn with love. It will be the perfect thing to place with Mackinley as we bid her farewell.

A Hard Decision

I went to the doctor on Monday. I am at 35 weeks and dilated to a 1, which is normal for me. But I was measuring 36 weeks, which means my amniotic fluid level is increasing. After talking to the doctor he told us that because of the situation we are in I can basically be induced whenever I want. Normally you have to be 39 weeks to guarantee the safety of the baby. But since it will not change the fact that Mackinley will not live for very long I can do what I feel is right. At first I thought there was no way thatI would want to be induced we would just go as long as possible. But after talking to Jared, and doing A LOT of praying and thinking. I have decided to be induced at 38 weeks. I have prayed about this and feel that this is the right thing for our family. 37 weeks is considered full term so 12 days will not change her outcome. This also provides us with a set date so that we can make the necessary arrangements for who will take our other 3 kids until it is closer to time for them to be at the hospital. And it also makes it more realistic for us to have the family members that we want there. At first I felt like I was choosing to end her life. But after a long talk with Jared, and a very lenghty prayer, I know that my choice will not effect how long Mackinley is with us. That is entirely up to our Heavenly Father. He knows us and our needs, as well as what is in mackinley's best interests. So with just over two weeks to go I am preparing myself for a hello and good-bye, and am so thankful that I know with out a doubt that families are forever and that if I live the best I can I will be able to be with Mackinley again to hug and hold her, and enjoy all of those special moments only a baby can bring. Does that makes this any easier? No, but it makes it bearable. Am I scared of what lies ahead? Without a doubt. Am I strong enough to give my new baby back to my Heavenly Father? Not by myself but with his help I will make it, each day will be just a little better then the one before. If all goes according to planned we will welcome mackinley into our family on March 7th. And return to her Heavenly Father when he feels it is time to call her home. Even if I never hold her alive I will be grateful for the 9 months that I have been so abundantly blessed with. It is more then anyone thought I would have and more then I could have hoped for. Mackinley is and always will be a miracle to me. I never in all my life imagined that a unborn baby could change my life so much, and touch my heart so deeply. And so now we count down the days to hello, and dread the days to good-bye all at the same time.

Miracles

As of the past week or two my sleeping has not been so great. It is one thing that Dr. Dowdle always asks me about when I go to my appointments. And tells me to make sure and tell him if I need anything. I am stubborn and don't wnat anything. I have a VERY low tolerance for medicine. And if I needed to take anything Tylenol puts me to sleep for a good 6-8 hours. And until lately I was doing just fine. Well Monday we went in for yet another ultrasound. Mackinley's heart rate was down to 129. Which is low for her. And we learned that the is excess amniotic fluid. Which comes with it's own risks to both of us. And it means that she is not swallowing like she should be. And my risks of having her early increase. As I lay down to sleep Monday night I knew it would be a long night. Lately I dream of her birth, sometimes she is alive for a while sometimes she is not. And then the funeral follows. My mind just won't shut off. So after only getting about 3 hours of sleep Monday night Jared suggests that when we go back to the doctor I get something to help sleep.
I decided to instead ask him to give me a blessing. Usually these are very personal and I don't share But this one was a miracle to me and I want to have it to remember. So i am going to share. I have worried alot about how I will cope when the time comes. How I will grieve and still be mom to the 3 beautiful children that I have here with me. HE blessed me that even though there will be sad days I will be able to do the things I need to do to take care of my children. The peace that came to me was instant. It was as thought my Savior was standing next to me telling me "Peace I leave with you my peace I give unto you. All will be well. When you are too weak I will carry you and what you have will be enough. It will still be hard but through our trials we are refined, and she will be waiting for you, and knows how much you love her." I was also blessed with sleep and I slept like I slept before I was pregnant. So while I know we will return Mackinley to the arms of her Heavenly Father miracles abound. And for that I am thankful. Mackinley doesn't need a miracle SHE IS THE MIRACLE sent to our family to help us learn and grow.

(attached are some pics of a beautiful blanket and head bands made for Mackinley by my wonderful friend Alisha...THANK YOU)

The Birth Plan

This has not been an easy thing to do and after working on it for a month it is finished and I will take it to both Doctor's offices tomorrow.
Birth Plan for Mackinley Ann Koyle

“Every child no matter how fragile their life or brief their days changes the world.”

We have known since the end of October that our daughter Mackinley has Trisomy 18, a chromosome abnormality. With this knowledge we are fully aware of the severity of this condition. And with this knowledge we know that she will more then likely not survive very long after birth. We have chosen to write this birth plan to help all of those that are involved with Mackinley’s delivery to understand our wishes for her birth and our hospital stay. With the severity of her complications we desire that she only receive comfort care with minimal intervention after her birth. Because we know that our time with Mackinley will be very brief it is our desire for her to be surrounded by her family in a loving and caring environment. With this knowledge our main goals are:
1) That this birth plan be followed as closely possible allowing Mackinley to have the best chance to be born alive.
2) Mackinley’s life and passing be as peaceful as possible.
We truly appreciate all of your help and support. Please do not hesitate to cry, or be sad in front of us if that is how you feel. This is a part of life we will walk together and we appreciate all that you will do for our family.

Desires for Kassey’s Care during Labor and Delivery
1) We would like all staff to be fully informed and aware of our situation.
2) Any and all procedures not outlined in this birth plan should be approved in advance by Jared or Kassey
3) We desire to have continual fetal monitoring at all times
4) We have discussed having a cesarean section and determine it to be unnecessary in this situation.
5) Kassey requests for pain to only have an epidural upon request. It is her desire to not be given any other form of pain medication before or after deliver that would impede her memories of the time that we will have with Mackinley.
6) It is very important that NOBODY enter the room without knowing the situation.
7) If possible it is Kassey’s desire to breastfeed Mackinley

Our Desires for Mackinley’s Birth and Any Time We Might Have With Her
In the Instance of a Live Birth
1) If Mackinley is born breathing on her own we desire for her to be handed immediately to Jared or Kassey. If necessary please perform standard suctioning rubbing and vigorous drying. The use of a 0-2 bag is acceptable we do not want any extraordinary measures. And do not want her transferred to a hospital with a NICU.
2) It is Jared’s desire to cut the cord
3) Certain procedures (weighing, eye ointment, etc...) are to be delayed until both parents have held her, and if possible these procedures should be done while being held by her parents.
4) We desire no warming tables, incubators, etc. be used instead we would prefer the use of skin contact and warm blankets providing us the most time possible with Mackinley
5) We ask that no procedures be done without one of the parents present.
6) We would like to room in with Mackinley and request that any and all procedures be done in our presents. And ask that Jared accompany her if any procedures must be done elsewhere.
7) We desire for Jared or Kassey to be holding her at all times possible
8) We would like to give Mackinley her first bath, and dress her in clothes we will provide, and have as much hands on contact as possible.
9) An NG tube may be used if necessary (placed and maintained while in our room if at all possible.
10) If Mackinley stabilizes we would like to take her home as soon as possible on comfort care and with the help of hospice.
11) If Mackinley’s condition begins to deteriorate we wish to be the ones holding her at her time of death.
12) If she experiences apneic episodes we do not desire to for her to be stimulated we will just hold her and love her during those moments.

Visitors
1) If possible we desire a place for our children and close family to be waiting so that they will be there for whatever time we may have with Mackinley
2) It is our desire that our children: Avery, Tucker, and Jordyn be brought in first to meet and hold Mackinley. Please have a member of the nursing staff bring in our children, and no one else. We will ask for the others when we are ready.
3) Please check with us before allowing in any visitors.
4) Please do not make visiting hours an issue. We desire our family to be able to spend as much time as they would like with Mackinley. We ask they be allowed in at any time we have family that might be traveling to see her and don’t want anyone to have any Avoidable regrets or missed opportunities.

If Mackinley is Stillborn
1) If Mackinley’s heart is not beating at birth we do not want any attempts at CPR. Or any other form of life sustaining measures. We are fully aware of her complications and are prepared to let her go whenever that time may be.
2) If Mackinley is stillborn we desire for her to stay with us for as long as we feel necessary. We ask that you give us privacy to grieve, without abandoning us.
3) It will still be our desire to bathe and dress her when we feel ready
4) We do not desire to have a chaplain (if you have one) as a member of our clergy will be coming.

Lasting Memories
1) To help us celebrate and remember these special times with Mackinley we would greatly appreciate it if you would help us by saving any keepsakes or other mementos: crib cards, hats, blankets, locks of hair, hand and foot prints (we have scrapbook pages done up for these), bracelets, cord clamp, molds of hands a feet (a friend will do those), bassinet card, and anything else you can think of.

Mackinley is a miracle and a blessing. She is very special to our family, and we are grateful to be able to have her in our life no matter how long or short her time may be. We feel she is a blessing to us and all she will come in contact with. We have tried our best to prepare ourselves as well as our children for this time in our lives. We desire to spend as much time as possible with her before she returns to her Heavenly Father. We understand this will be difficult for you as well, and we appreciate all of your help, support and care for our sweet baby girl. And hope that she will touch you life as she has touched ours.

Blessings

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. But the greatest ones are often the ones found in the trials we face. Is this journey with Mackinley a trial? Some would say yes. I say "No, it is an opportunity to experience one of the greatest blessing that will ever come into my life." So with only 6 weeks left I kneel everyday and thank my Heavenly Father for the AMAZING blessing he has sent my way. And for his generousity in letting my family experience the joy of brining life to one of his special children. How lucky we are.

Quiet Days Make Me Nervous

Last night I think I was up every two hours. Either going to the bathroom, being woken by Jordyn, Jared's phone calls from work, or some STUPID dream. This has been the case lately. I did notice that Mackinley was moving around like crazy. Which was comforting until I went through the entire day at school without feeling her move even once. When I have days like this they become VERY long. As I watch the minutes tick by on the clock. Waiting for 3:30 to roll around so that I can come home grab the monitor and listen for a heart beat. Fortunately when I got home today I counted her heat rate at 138 beats per minute. I feel very strongly that if we lose her before delivery I will know the moment she slips away. And yet all the same the lack of movement can make for long days. And unfortunately for my other three children my stress level is pretty high when i get home which means my patience is at a MAJOR LOW. I often pray that as we go through this blessing of life with Mackinley that my other children will not feel slighted, and I will be able to care for them in the way I need to. Only time will tell. SO we continue 33 1/2 weeks with olny around 6 1/2 left and thank our Heavenly Father for each day we have her here with us.

What do you say?

The other day we were at the store and a complete strabger walks up to me and begins to tell me how cute I look. WHich was greatly appreciated. Noone ever feels cute 8 months pregnant. She then goes on to ask "When are you due? What are you Having? ISn't that so exciting? I bet you can hardly wait.. etc....." As soon as there is a 2 second pause in the conversation Tucker looks up at her and says, in a way only a 4 year old can. "Our baby is going to die." I can't even begin to describe the jumble of emotions that I felt. Guilt for playing along with the conversation. I tend not to tell strangers. It's like when I go to the dentist and they ask all the same questions, I don't want to sit in the awkward silence after I tell them while they clean my teeth not having the faintest idea what to say to me now. News like that tends to put a damper on the conversation real quick. I also felt horrible for the lady because now she is in an awkward situation. There just is no right thing to say when someone says as matter-of-fact as can be that their baby is going to die. And yet next time a stranger asks me all of those questions will I look at them and say well yes we are excited but we don't expect her to live. Probably not. After she is gone and people ask me how many kids I have I will say 4 but one went back to Heaven and is waiting for us there. It is just different to talk about it with people I know. Why burden a starnger with that. I don't think in this situation there is a right or wrong thing to do. We just handle it the best we can. And isn't that all that is ever asked of us. To do the best we can.

Inspiration or wishful thinking?

As Jared and I have dealt the best we can with our situation we have gone about it in a way that seems completely opposite. I don't feel that I am a "the glass is half empty" kind of person. But I am a realist and I know that Mackinley won't stay long with us. There are just too many complications. And while I can't wait for her to arrive I want everything lined out and ready for when the time comes to let her go. Jared on the other hand doesn't want to talk about or plan for it. He wants to just enjoy whatever time we might get and then take care of those things when we have to. That is probably why he looked completely SHOCKED last night. We were doing our standard grocery shopping and I grabbed a small package of preemie diapers and put them in the cart. With genuine shock he looked at me and asked "What are those for?" So I told him, "I just feel like we need to have some." Maybe it is just the mother in me that needs to have everything ready. So that i can take the best care of Mackinley whiel she is here and Avery, Tucker, and Jordyn after she is gone. Whether this is inspiration and Mackinley will come home for maybe even a day. Or it is just wishful thinking because the time is fast approaching, I have no idea. All I do know is that the weeks are going to fast and yet not fast enough. A part of me would carry her forever if it meant we could keep her with us. And yet another part of me is ready to return her to her Heavenly Father where she will be whole and free from pain. And we will be able to start a life time of picking up the broken pieces and wiping the reoccurring tears. I am so thankful that while I know this will be one of the hardest things my family will ever face (I hope), I know that death is not forever. And I will hold Mackinley again one day as we sit together in the Heavens as an eternal family.

New blog Title

THANK YOU JENNY FOR THE AMAZING PICS AND AWSOME BLOG TITLE!!!!!!

Winding down...........

As I feel the time slipping away I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling. Mostly sad because I know our time will more then likley soon run out. And yet the selfish part of me some days wishes this would all end so that we could start putting our lives together. I know I will never be the same as I was before we were blessed with Mackinley. And neither will any of my family. Maybe it is because I know that in the itme after she leaves us there will be many long hard days. And i wonder how I will make it throug. I know that I will and that I will be carried many of those days. I still look forward to the end of the waiting. it has been 3 months of waiting, and at times I am ready to move forward. And yet I am in NOW WAY ready to say goodbye. Letting go of mackinley will be no easier then if it was any of my other 3 children. I recieved the most beautiful quilt in the mail today. With a inspiring saying on it. It says "Love is a miracle only the heart understands." How true this is. It is hard to imagine how I could have so much love to the baby i have never held. And to see my small children exhibit an equivelent love for her never ceases to amaze me. It is truley a testament to me that life comes at the moment of conception. I don't care who you are or how you may view this. But I know through this trail we have faced that the moment a child is concieved they are a baby, a person, with a spirit sent from a loving Heavenly Father. And whether they are here long or only for a blink of an eye, one is no more or less important then the other. HE loves them all just as he loves us. And it is a comfort to know that he loves Mackinley and has blessed our lives with her presence. I feel her all the time and am thankful that i will have the opportunity to spend an eternity with such a special daughter of God.

Simple answers

I sit here tonight going over birth plans on the trisomy 28 web site. Wondering how it came to this. I am 32 weeks now. 3 months ago we were told Mackinley has Trisomy 18 and it is "not compatible with life" And so now here I sit. reviewing birth plans from other parents that have been in our situation. What do I want for Mackinley? A simple questions, with a simple answer. I want her to LIVE!!! It's too bad we can't always get what we want. And why is that? Another simple answer to a simple question. Because our Heavenly Father loves us. HE knows what is best. ANd while it may not seem the best for us at the time, I am sure down the road I will look back and know without a doubt in my mind that this was what was best not only for me but my entire family. Do I have to like it right now? NO.... but even now I am thankful for the beautiful baby girl that has touched my family in ways I could have never imagined. And this in turn makes me so thankful to a loving Heavenly Father that knows what is best. SO really what do I want for Mackinley? a simple question with a simple answer. I want whatever Heavenly Father has in store for her. Whether it be minutes, hours, days, or more. Or even if it is only for the time she lives within me. I want what he wants. Because he loves her and knows what is best. Does that make it any easier? No, as I type this i can barely see the keys through my tears. But "He never said it would be easy. He only said it would be worth it."

An amazing gift

This past weekend was a unique one. I never imagined I would be buying funeral plots for me, Jared, and a baby. We made another trip back to the OB. Mackinley's heart rate was up at 163. But as long as we are under 180 things are okay. From there we met with our famiy doctor sicne her will be her treating physician. We discussed with him our wishes. And are now in the process of coming up with a birth plan thatwill be signed by us and both doctoirs that way if for some reason one of the doctors is gone they will know what we want. Our family doctor was AMAZING as we discussed it he about started to cry. This little girl that has yet to arrive is touching many people. and for this i am thankful.
We were also blessed to have family/maternity pictures take by a wonderful friend. THANK YOU JENNY!!! It will be so wonderful to be able to look back and ( even though I feel INCREDIBLY round) have the pics from when I was carrying Mackinley.
I am 31 1/2 weeks now and sometimes I feel a sense of panic. Will I be able to truley handle letting my baby go when the time comes? But, deep within I feel a sense of peace. That I will be blessed with an understanding beyond my own. And a peace that can be brought only by knowing the plan of salvation. That wile I will have to say goodbye, it will only be temporary. What a blessing it is to be sealed in the Temple to a wonderful man. Knowing that if i do the best i can I will be able to hold my sweet little Mackinley Ann.
I often feel that this trial has been placed before us to teach my children. To help them learn and grow. So that they can become the people that our Heavenly Father knows they can be. They never cease to amaze me. Even little Jordyn loves MAckinley so much. Everytime she has a spare second she says to me "I say morning Kinley, mom." (even if it is the middle of the day) And I say yes. Then she says morning and I love you Kinley. And they all bless her in their prayers. Tucker says that when we get to Heaven he will feed her and change her diapers. He loves her in a way only a brother can. And Avery, tells me all the time " Mom i just want to hold her one time. To tell her I love her and that if she could stay I would be a good sister and share all my stuff with her."
Children are such a blessing. And I never realized how amazing of a gift they truely are until I learned I would have to give mine back. As people around me and people i know have babies my heart fills with joy for them because i believe I can honestly say I fully understand the miracle they are being given

Things to remember

As I tuck the kids into bed each night they all insist on saying "good-night" to Mackinley. And they each have their own special way. Avery says "Goodnight little Mackinley." Jordyn says (with her face pressed up against my stomach so you can hardly understand her) "night Kinley me love you." And sweet Tucker ALWAYS says to her. "Goonight Mackinley, this is Tucker your big brother. And I love you." He is so proud of her. Today as we got ready for the day he asked me if he would be able to hold her before we sent her back to Heaven. I told her I hoped so, but even if she already left for Heaven he would still get to hold her. He said to me. "Mom I am glad you and dad were married in the Temple because that means we can be with Mackinley again. And I promise when I get to Heaven I will be the best big brother ever." As i witness these small but enormous things I know in my heart that my three small children have been blessed with a great understanding. More then i could have taught them on my own. I pray daily for them that they will be comforted when the time comes. Until then I will continue to record these sweet moments so that as a fmaily we will one day be able to look back and remember together.(alot of this Tucker and Jordyn proably won't remember )

Blessings abound

In the following pictures are some of the many things we have been blessed with. The dress is what we will bless and bury Mackinley in. The bracelts were made, one for me and one for her, by a good friend. And the outfit as tiny as it may be is the one we are hoping to e able take put on her for the time we have to spend together.. Thank you to all for the gifts, love and prayers

Giving up

I sometimes wonder if people think I have given up. That I don't believe Mackinley could have a miracle. And while I fully believe thaat if our Haven;y Father's plan is for her to stay, she will. But, I have felt very strongly that while she may stay for a time it will not be very lojng. How long that is. Nobody knows. I can tell she has already lived longer then she "should have" with all the complications she has. And maybe a while will be months, it could also be weeks, days, hours, or minutes. Whatever it is it will be what it is supposed to. And I will be happy with whatever i get. Because I have already been blessed with more time then I should have gotten. Only 30% of Trisomy babies deliver alive. We are at 30 weeks, which is father then most get. So while I would love a miracle, I pray for what is Best for Mackinley, because accompanying the trisomy is spinabifida. And I want no pain of suffering for her. Even if that means losing her.... So have I given up? "NO" I just want what will be the best for her. And pray for the strength to get me through whatever that may be.

going too fast

This Saturday I will be starting my 30th week. None of my children have gone the full 40, and as each day turns into a week I wonder how much longer we will have. And when Mackinley comes how much time will we get. Will it be minutes, hours, days, a few weeks? Each case is different, it mostly depends on how much her lungs develope, and how long her heart can sustain her. At church this past Sunday i was visting with the Young Women I teach about Mackinleyt and how Jared and i didin't chose this trial. But when I got home I thought. In a way YES we did. We were given the choice to terminate/abort the day we found out(20 weeks). And never once did it even cross our minds. We chose for me to carry her and to provide her with her tiny body. And even if she never takes a breath I will never regret that choice. I have learned so much from her. I have leaned things about myself, and my Heavenly father. And for this i am thankful. She has not only taught me she has provided me with opportuniteas to teach my children. They love her SOOO much it amazes me. And wile i can't wait to see her the time is going to fast because I know our hello will lead to a god bye for now. But would i change it, or do anything different. Never, for a second, what a gift this is.