I spoke to someone today that lost a child. They asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm doing good." The response was. "You can't really be doing good you have buried a baby. I know how that feels and for the rest of your life you will say you are good when in reality you are only doing okay." I thought about this for a while after we finished talking. And YES I HAVE BAD days. The other day I totally griped and whined to my sister-in-law (thank's for listening)
But the reality is I am doing good, and some days even GREAT. Holidays, and the 7th of each month will never be the same. And neither will my birthday. ( I had ALWAYS DREADED turning thiry. It must have been premonition because, as most of you know, my 30th birthday was spent at Mackinley's viewing.)
And while there are deffinately CRAPPY days and moments. I feel very strongly it is mostly perspective. you can let what happens to you ruin you and send you into the depths of despair. Or you can take the plate you have been dished and let in bend shape and mold you into something more than you were. Yes, I still have my struggles. It is hard too look like you had a baby a while ago and not have one to show for it. I wake to that everyday. It is hard to answer the question "how many kids do you have" To see people walking around with a baby the same age as yours should be. I have yet to hold a newborn baby. And the truth is I have NO desire to right now. The day that changes I am sure I will feel whole again.
Butthe simple truth is LIFE IS HARDit doesn't matter who you are. We all struggle. But what are we doing with those struggles. We are all stones rough and jagged around the edges it is how we deal with the trials washing around us that poish us into something beautiful.
Though I have never buried a child I do know some of the feelings you feel. I hate to answer the question "how many kids do you have?" as well. To see a child the same age as yours and wonder what they would look like. I still struggle with it everyday and it's been 9 years. Your right though some days are good, some are great and some are just crappy. I admire your strength and your testimony. Thank you for sharing this with the world, especially when it is a very private thing in your life.
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