Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A balancing act



It has been three weeks now since I held Mackinley. Sometimes it is hard to believe this is all real. The hardest thing now is finding balance. I don't feel guilt for being able to laugh, and enjoy my life. I know that Mackinley is whole and happy. And I know she wants the same for our family. The hard thing is how to move on without feeling like I am forgetting her. I think it is often easier for people to not talk to me about her, because they think it is easier for me. But just as I have shared her nine month journey with our family, I want to continue to share her. She is a part of our eternal family, one of my 4 children, and I don't hold her any less important because she only spent 20 minutes in my arms. What a miraculous 20 minutes she gave. And so now I walk a balance beam, of holding on while letting go all at the same time. Yes, there are ups and downs, but the downs are few and far between. And I am so thankful for the healing that I feel in my heart, and see taking place in my home. And I am thankful for a family that has so faithfully traveled this journey with me. Jared is my rock, he keeps me grounded. And the love my children have for their sister will always amaze me. I know I will never forget Mackinley and it is my hope that even though Avery, Tuck, and Jordyn are so young they will hold her close in their hearts. I never imagined my family would be blessed with such a wonderful experience. SO together we walk this road of life waiting for the day our family is whole.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

3 steps forward 2 steps back






Monday will be 2 weeks since Mackinley joined and left our family. I spent the last 5 months looking forward to as well as dreading her birth. Knowing that it would take her from us. And I spent a lot of time wondering how I would keep going. Would I spend my days crying, mourning the baby I no longer hold? Would I feel as though any instances of joy were a betrayal to her? How would I keep going? The morning after we had Mackinley I woke around 8am. Jared was still sleeping and our other 3 children were at his parents house. As I left the bedroom for a shower Jared asked me where I was going. I told him "I have to make a choice. I have to get out of this bed because if I don't I will lay here and cry all day." Just as that day consisted of making a concious choice to move forward so has everyday since she left. Each morning I have to chose to get out of bed and move ahead. Jared has helped me so much, when people ask questions and I can't muster the strength to speak he takes that burden from me.
We had the opportunity to go to a Utah Jazz basketball game this week. Being LDS we made sure to stop in at Temple square, before we came home. While we were there we watched a video about God's plan for families and the role and responsibilities of parents. This video is shown in different rooms that depict different life events in families. The second room we entered was a nursery for a baby girl, and it greeted us with the cry of a newborn baby. The second I entered I broke down, and the whole in my heart ripped wide open. As the video played it talked about how as parents we need to teach our children that they are childen of a heavenly Father that loves them, and that families are forever,and ho w much they are loved by their parents. While my heart ached fo the baby not in my arms there was a peace that came to me. It came as a testament to me that MAckinley knows she is a daughter of God and that he loves her, she knows her family is forever, and she knows how much Jared and I love her. The second I walked into the visitors center I felt her with me, walking with Jared and I in that holy place.
And while the days are rough, and sometimes the pain is so intense I can't even talk about her because it hurts so deeply, I will continue on. I push through the days and when I kneel next to my incredible husband in prayer to close our day the tears pour as if a dam has broken. Because I feel her near and long to hold her, I will keep going taking what seems to be 3 steps forward and sliding 2 steps back, because I know what I need to do to hold her again. And when the times are espically hard I say to myself the scripture I shared at her viewing. John 14:27 "peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto to you. Let not your heart be troubled neithe let it be afraid." I know where she is and i know she is waiting.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Fast and slow


Time has a way of doing strange things. It seems to me that is goes fast as well as slow. Friday night we held a viewing for Mackinley. Looking back I know that I was blessed with Mackinley's presence. As well as a loving Heavenly Father that held me together through it all. It was wonderful to be able to share her and her sweet spirit with our family and friends. Saturday was her funeral, what a beautiful day. The weather couldn't have been any better. A slight breeze, and the sun warming my face. The service was perfect. Once again I could feel her with me, as I stood and spoke of all the things she taught myself and my family. What a holy day. What a miracle, for us.
One week ago today I held her in my arms, watched her cry her first tiny cry. I watched her proud daddy cut the cord, and shed tears as he held her tight. One week ago today I watched her cry her last cry. I watched slip into Heaven, I felt her leave. I cried tears of sorrow, not for her because I know she is whole and happy, but for us because we are the ones that must keep moving forward. One week ago today our family received an angel, one that we will hold in our hearts until we are able to hold her in our arms.
While she is gone she is still here, yesterday as we had lunch with some family a blessing was being said on the food, and I could feel her with me. I know as time passes she will come and go. And while there are still tears to be cried, there is joy to be found in the knowledge that Heaven is real, and that families are FOREVER, and in the fact that our family has and forever will be blessed to have 3 beautiful daughters. Two that are here with us and one that is waiting, and cheering us on.
Mackinley we are so thankful that you gave us 20 minutes in our lives, a lifetime in our hearts, and ETERNITY in Heaven.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Our Prayers are Answered






Monday March 7th, 2011 our little angel MAckinley Ann Koyle returned home to her Heavenly Father. After spending all night in the hospital and taking a pill every three hours to help my labor go faster my body went into labor on it's own. As we have gone through this there have been many small miracles. The nurse gave me an extra pill, a blessing from Heaven. The doctor was worried that the pitocin would make my contractions to hard on Mackinley so the extra pill made me n ot need any pitocin at all. Because MAckinley was bottom first-breech they were hoping to deliver her in the fluid sack to prevent the possibility of her becoming stuck in the birth canal. At 12:00 pm Dr Dowdle came in and said I was fully dialated. At that point I didn't feel the need to push. At about 12:15 the nurse came inn and I told her I needed to push. This had to be the most terrifying moment of my life. I knew that while pushing would give Mackinley to us it would also take her away. And so at 12:20 I began pushing. Because of MAckinley's condition I had excessive fluid, and while they had hoped that my bag would stay intact it ruptered. You would have thought someone had just dumped a 5 gallon bucket on the floor. The blessings continued to abound after 7 minutes of pushing and manuvering Mackinley she delivered breech without a single problem. Her proud daddy cut the cord as she lay on my chest. Her heartrate dropped from 129 to 80. And as we knew there would be moments where she would not breath we just held her and loved her. She took 4 small cries and at 12:52 her heart stopped beating. Her birth certificate says she lived 15 minutes but I knew she was with us for longer then that. Her spirit stayed long enough for everyone that came to feel of her presence. I remember the moment someone was holding her and they gave her back to me and I knew she was gone. And it was okay. We have spent the last 6 months praying for the opportunity to hold her so she could feel our love, and that was what we received. And so while I willl always miss her I am okay because I know she is waiting for me, and she is whole and knws how much we love her. And I will thank my heavenly Father for every second I was able to have her in my arms, and to see the pride on Jared's face as held our beautiful baby girl.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Peace and comfort

As I sit in the hospital I contemplate the many blessing my family has experienced as we have made this journey with Mackinley. Last night Jared and I had the opportunity to go to the Temple. What a blessing that was to us. That is where we were when we felt that we needed to have Mackinley. And as I was there last night I felt the most amazing sense of peace and comfort come over me. As the spirit told me that "everything will be okay. It is time to let her go." And it is okay. The reason it is okay is because Heaven is an amazing place! And when she is there she will be whole and happy. And waiting for me. And while the thought of letting her fo is sad. And the days will be hard. There is a peace that comes from knowing that she has fulfilled her earthly mission here on earth. And has earned her place in the presence of our Heavenly Father. Every minute we have had with Mackinley is a miracle. The fact that we have had 38 weeks with her is a medical miracle. And knowing that she will be whole when she returnes to Heaven eases the pain of letting her go. It is time. She has done what she needed. And so knwing this it will be with a heart full of love and gratitued that I will let her go when the time come. And i will thank my Heavenly Father for sending such a blessing to my family.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Sands of Time

I feel like I am in the bottom of an hour glass and over the past 5 months the sand has been slowly falling down on me. And now with just 2 days left time has about ran out. I can't even begin to describe the jumble of emotions going through me. Right now I sit on the verge of tears. Am I really strong enough for this? Sometimes I think I have spent the last 5 months trying to convince myself of the answers I give everyone else when they ask " How are you doing?" Can I really let go of someone I love so much? I have never asked "why." I know why. She is a perfect spirit sent to an imperfect body because she has already earned her place in Heaven. The questions that run through my head have more to do with my own self doubt. Am i really strong enough for this? People tell me "You are so strong. I don't know how you do this. or You are such an amazing example." In all reality I feel weak, vulnerable, and broken.And while I type this in tears, if you were to come to my door right now and ask how I was doing the second you rang the bell the tears would dry up and without a blink of the eye I would say. "I am doing good. And pretend I am strong." I would pretend I have it all together. When really I feel like I am falling apart. But that is the part I tuck away. Don't get me wrong I am not wallowing in self pity. This isn't a case of poor me. It is more the fear of will I be able to keep going for myself, my husband, my kids. I know Mackinley will be okay. And yes I will hold her again. But will I make it until then? How do I pick myself up they day I go home without her? I know life is about the tests we are given and how we choose to deal with them is a great part of the test. In all my rambling my biggest fear is the unknown. Will we get 1 minute, a few hours, days, weeks. Or will we after 9 months of waiting lose her before we even get to say hello? This is what is breaking me down. I know I will pick up and move on. Life doesn't stop and I have to choose to keep going because I have an amazing husband, and 3 beautiful children that need their mom. And for this I am blessed. So everyday I will look for something good. And eventually there will be more good days then bad days. Will it stop all the pain? No. She will forever be a part of me and our family. And there will always be a place in my heart that will ache, when those first that we won't get will come along, that is when it will hurt the most. But my testimony of the plan of salvation and that fact that Heavenly Father loves each of us so much that he willingly allowed his son to suffer and die so that we could return to him will be enough. Because I have felt of a love that great. And I know how much of a sacrifice that truly was. Not only was Heavenly father willing, but so was my brother Jesus Christ. And because of this my family will be together forever. And one day I will hold my beautiful baby girl, and watch her laugh and smile and grow up. So knowing that she is waiting for me will give me the drive to continue on. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.