Sunday, May 29, 2011

A New Meaning For Memorial Day




It is Memorial Day weekend. It seems as though about every 4 weeks something comes along that is a sharp reminder of the baby girl I no longer hold in my arms. And this one is no-less painful. What a hard thing to go to that tiny spot at the cemetary,. I told Jared that I was doing special flowers for Mackinley. It is so hard to know that as her mom there was nothing I could do for her, to make her whole. And while I know I gave her that body she needed to be able to enjoy eternal life, sometimes I feel as though I did so little for her. While she has done so much for me. As we stood gathered around her small little plot my sweet Tucker said to me. "Mom, don't be sad. Mackinley isn't here she is in Heaven and she is happy." What a blessing to be able to teach so fully the plan of Salvation to my children. For them to know that there is more to this life. SO while this weekend and all the holidays that will follow are a painful reminder of what our family has lost they are an equally joyful reminder of what we have to look forward to. What we are striving to become. And while learning to balance both emotions is a hard thing, it is something I hope will become easier with time. Aren't we all just stones in the river, tossed and turned when the current of life is strong. And all the while that current is polishing us into something great if we let it. So while my hearts aches for my baby girl, and sometimes the tears overflow, I am thankful she chose to be a part of our lives. I will never feel closer to Heaven than I did for that 20 minutes of her life.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Perspective in times of loss

I spoke to someone today that lost a child. They asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm doing good." The response was. "You can't really be doing good you have buried a baby. I know how that feels and for the rest of your life you will say you are good when in reality you are only doing okay." I thought about this for a while after we finished talking. And YES I HAVE BAD days. The other day I totally griped and whined to my sister-in-law (thank's for listening)
But the reality is I am doing good, and some days even GREAT. Holidays, and the 7th of each month will never be the same. And neither will my birthday. ( I had ALWAYS DREADED turning thiry. It must have been premonition because, as most of you know, my 30th birthday was spent at Mackinley's viewing.)
And while there are deffinately CRAPPY days and moments. I feel very strongly it is mostly perspective. you can let what happens to you ruin you and send you into the depths of despair. Or you can take the plate you have been dished and let in bend shape and mold you into something more than you were. Yes, I still have my struggles. It is hard too look like you had a baby a while ago and not have one to show for it. I wake to that everyday. It is hard to answer the question "how many kids do you have" To see people walking around with a baby the same age as yours should be. I have yet to hold a newborn baby. And the truth is I have NO desire to right now. The day that changes I am sure I will feel whole again.
Butthe simple truth is LIFE IS HARDit doesn't matter who you are. We all struggle. But what are we doing with those struggles. We are all stones rough and jagged around the edges it is how we deal with the trials washing around us that poish us into something beautiful.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Bumps in the road

This past weekend was much harder then I thought it would be. Saturday marked the two month date that Mackinley came and left. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. Sometimes it sits in my mind as clear as if it was yesterday. And sometimes it all seems to have been just a bad dream from ages ago. And yet when a day like mother's day comes all the pain and heartache come flooding back. It is days like that I am reminded that I should be celebrating this day with my 3 older children and a baby in my arms. I almost started crying in the middle of Wal-Mart as I was picking out mother's day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. It is times like these that for a brief moment I think, if we would have gone somewhere else and did the whole life-support, take ever measure, would I be spending mother's day with that beautiful little girl? And when these thoughts creep in I have learned to push them away. I could make myself crazy with "why's" and "what ifs". It is times like this I remind myself that while at the Temple I was told it was time to let her go and that it is okay. It is as it should be she is happy whole and waiting for me. And while eternity seems forever away I know the time in this life is just a blink compared to the time I will have with her. So while I will continue to have bumps in the road of life,I will choose to make this journey and the hard days it brings stepping stones and not stumbling blocks. And I will find peace in the knowledge that we made the right choice we chose what was best for her. Not what we wanted but what she needed. And I know in my heart she is thankful for that.