The Sands of Time

I feel like I am in the bottom of an hour glass and over the past 5 months the sand has been slowly falling down on me. And now with just 2 days left time has about ran out. I can't even begin to describe the jumble of emotions going through me. Right now I sit on the verge of tears. Am I really strong enough for this? Sometimes I think I have spent the last 5 months trying to convince myself of the answers I give everyone else when they ask " How are you doing?" Can I really let go of someone I love so much? I have never asked "why." I know why. She is a perfect spirit sent to an imperfect body because she has already earned her place in Heaven. The questions that run through my head have more to do with my own self doubt. Am i really strong enough for this? People tell me "You are so strong. I don't know how you do this. or You are such an amazing example." In all reality I feel weak, vulnerable, and broken.And while I type this in tears, if you were to come to my door right now and ask how I was doing the second you rang the bell the tears would dry up and without a blink of the eye I would say. "I am doing good. And pretend I am strong." I would pretend I have it all together. When really I feel like I am falling apart. But that is the part I tuck away. Don't get me wrong I am not wallowing in self pity. This isn't a case of poor me. It is more the fear of will I be able to keep going for myself, my husband, my kids. I know Mackinley will be okay. And yes I will hold her again. But will I make it until then? How do I pick myself up they day I go home without her? I know life is about the tests we are given and how we choose to deal with them is a great part of the test. In all my rambling my biggest fear is the unknown. Will we get 1 minute, a few hours, days, weeks. Or will we after 9 months of waiting lose her before we even get to say hello? This is what is breaking me down. I know I will pick up and move on. Life doesn't stop and I have to choose to keep going because I have an amazing husband, and 3 beautiful children that need their mom. And for this I am blessed. So everyday I will look for something good. And eventually there will be more good days then bad days. Will it stop all the pain? No. She will forever be a part of me and our family. And there will always be a place in my heart that will ache, when those first that we won't get will come along, that is when it will hurt the most. But my testimony of the plan of salvation and that fact that Heavenly Father loves each of us so much that he willingly allowed his son to suffer and die so that we could return to him will be enough. Because I have felt of a love that great. And I know how much of a sacrifice that truly was. Not only was Heavenly father willing, but so was my brother Jesus Christ. And because of this my family will be together forever. And one day I will hold my beautiful baby girl, and watch her laugh and smile and grow up. So knowing that she is waiting for me will give me the drive to continue on. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.