It has been three weeks now since I held Mackinley. Sometimes it is hard to believe this is all real. The hardest thing now is finding balance. I don't feel guilt for being able to laugh, and enjoy my life. I know that Mackinley is whole and happy. And I know she wants the same for our family. The hard thing is how to move on without feeling like I am forgetting her. I think it is often easier for people to not talk to me about her, because they think it is easier for me. But just as I have shared her nine month journey with our family, I want to continue to share her. She is a part of our eternal family, one of my 4 children, and I don't hold her any less important because she only spent 20 minutes in my arms. What a miraculous 20 minutes she gave. And so now I walk a balance beam, of holding on while letting go all at the same time. Yes, there are ups and downs, but the downs are few and far between. And I am so thankful for the healing that I feel in my heart, and see taking place in my home. And I am thankful for a family that has so faithfully traveled this journey with me. Jared is my rock, he keeps me grounded. And the love my children have for their sister will always amaze me. I know I will never forget Mackinley and it is my hope that even though Avery, Tuck, and Jordyn are so young they will hold her close in their hearts. I never imagined my family would be blessed with such a wonderful experience. SO together we walk this road of life waiting for the day our family is whole.
Kassey,
ReplyDeleteYou guys are so strong. I am so glad that you have received that peace and comfort. She will always be remembered and thankfully we know that this life is yet a short glimmer of what is to come. And I too will be so happy when we can be reunited with our loved ones. What a great blessing it is to know that we can be together again. You will get to hold that sweet baby in your arms again and your family will be whole. You guys are such an inspiration to me. I want to be a better person because of your example. Thanks so much for sharing your jouney. Luvs. Lindsay Jensen
I love reading your blog! YOu have a way with words that amazes me, I am glad you have done this blog as I know it is part of the healing process! We will all remember Mackinley and the sweet spirit she is!
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