What lies ahead

Today as I was cleaning the kitchen my mind began to wander to what life might be like after Mackinley has returned home to Heaven. As I pondered this I was taken back to shortly after we learned of all of her complications. It was early November and the weather was nice enough for us to go for a walk as a family. As we walked by a little park next to the walking path by our home Avery and Tucker began to play in the leaves. As I stood watching them my heart was filled with joy. Soon our whoel family was throwing leaves and laughing and playing. As the fun wound down and we resumed our walk I was ovecome with tears. Tears of joy for the three beautiful children that bless my life daily. Accompanied by tears of grief and an almost overwhelming emptiness for the baby that should be playing in the leaves with us next fall, but will be watching from Heaven instead. As this scene replayed in my mind, as clear as if I was right there in that moment, I felt the whispering of the Holy Ghost telling me that there will be many hard days. Just as that day was hard. But if I strive to find and cherish the small joys that each day includes I will make it. And when the joys seem too hard to find those are the days that I will be carried. I know the days ahead are going to be hard. But I also know that my Heavenly Father loves me and because of that he will not give me any trial that I cannot overcome as long as I seek his help. Part of me is just as excited to bring Mackinley in to the world as I was for my other children. I cannot wait to meet her and tell her how much I love her and how thankful I am for all she has taught me and the great blessing she will always be to me. Someone once asked me after learning of all of her complications if we would still have an open casket when we have the viewing. My response was a resounding yes. No matter what she is a beautiful child of God, so faithful that she only needs to come for a body before she can re-enter the presesnce of our Heavenly Father. And no matter what her disabilities my be she will be beautiful to me. I am soo thankful for a merciful Heavenly Father that I know will not have her stay here in pain, that I will be able to return her to him where she will be whole and waiting for Jared and I. And while losing her is going to leave an emptiness in me it is such a comfort to know that not only did Christ suffer for my sins in the Garden of Gethsemene, he suffered for any earthly pain I would ever feel. And he knows what I am going through. And will carry me.