A Hard Decision

I went to the doctor on Monday. I am at 35 weeks and dilated to a 1, which is normal for me. But I was measuring 36 weeks, which means my amniotic fluid level is increasing. After talking to the doctor he told us that because of the situation we are in I can basically be induced whenever I want. Normally you have to be 39 weeks to guarantee the safety of the baby. But since it will not change the fact that Mackinley will not live for very long I can do what I feel is right. At first I thought there was no way thatI would want to be induced we would just go as long as possible. But after talking to Jared, and doing A LOT of praying and thinking. I have decided to be induced at 38 weeks. I have prayed about this and feel that this is the right thing for our family. 37 weeks is considered full term so 12 days will not change her outcome. This also provides us with a set date so that we can make the necessary arrangements for who will take our other 3 kids until it is closer to time for them to be at the hospital. And it also makes it more realistic for us to have the family members that we want there. At first I felt like I was choosing to end her life. But after a long talk with Jared, and a very lenghty prayer, I know that my choice will not effect how long Mackinley is with us. That is entirely up to our Heavenly Father. He knows us and our needs, as well as what is in mackinley's best interests. So with just over two weeks to go I am preparing myself for a hello and good-bye, and am so thankful that I know with out a doubt that families are forever and that if I live the best I can I will be able to be with Mackinley again to hug and hold her, and enjoy all of those special moments only a baby can bring. Does that makes this any easier? No, but it makes it bearable. Am I scared of what lies ahead? Without a doubt. Am I strong enough to give my new baby back to my Heavenly Father? Not by myself but with his help I will make it, each day will be just a little better then the one before. If all goes according to planned we will welcome mackinley into our family on March 7th. And return to her Heavenly Father when he feels it is time to call her home. Even if I never hold her alive I will be grateful for the 9 months that I have been so abundantly blessed with. It is more then anyone thought I would have and more then I could have hoped for. Mackinley is and always will be a miracle to me. I never in all my life imagined that a unborn baby could change my life so much, and touch my heart so deeply. And so now we count down the days to hello, and dread the days to good-bye all at the same time.