Balance

I have many things to learn in this life. The hardest of which is how to be happy for those around me while dealing with my own pain. There are many people in my life that I am happy for, but being around them hurts me. Not by any fault of theirs. Not because I am bitter at them,or unhappy for them, but more because of the sharp reality they are of what I am missing. I don't expect anyone to understand what I mean by this. Unless you have been where I have, you will not. To most it all probably sounds shallow, and selfish. See it how you like. I believe that a person can be happy for people around them but hurting at the same time. I know this because I feel it all the time. A sense of joy for someone else, and at the same time a stabbing pain brought on by the reminder of what I am missing. And while I know one day I will hold Mackinley in my arms again, this year of firsts without her is a hard thing to balance. Sometimes it feels as though I held her alive in my arms just moments ago. While other times it seems as though it was a bad dream I have just awoken from. Either way balancing the sorrow that comes, when I am reminded that she is not here, with the peace of knowing she can be mine forever is a lesson that will take time. But as I think on this Chrstmas season I am comforted by thoughts of a loving Heavenly Father that sent a son to earth knowing he would have to watch him die. And he did all of this because he loved me (and you). Because he wanted us to be together forever. And by this great sacrifice I will hold my beautiful daughter in my arms again. In the meantime I will take these hard life-lessons, and hope that they mold me into the person my Heavenly Father sent me here to be. And pray for the strenghth to learn to balance the joy and pain that this life can bring.