I put things away today

A friend of mine once said "Healing comes once peace at a time." I find that to be so true. It has been almost 5 months now. And today I took the stack of things next to my bad and put them in my pine chest. This wasn't just any stack of things it was MAckinley's stack. Her blankets, her memory box from the hospital. Those things that were sitting there day in and day out reminding me that I had a baby with Trisomy 18. A baby that Heavenly Father loved so much he only asked her to come and get a body then she could return to him. And he trusted Jared and I with her. What a blessing to be trusted with such a special gift. To be given our own miracle. My heart swells when I kneel next to little Jordyn(3 yrs) as she says her prayers that always include "bless "Kinley" help her be strong and healthy and big." I had no intention of putting those things away today. I just walked into my room and knew it was time. I have often been asked if we will try again. Right now I have no idea. I can't even bring myself to hold a new born baby. BUt I believe that when my heart is healed the day will come when I will be able to do that, and then I will know; just as I knew it was time to put things away. The same kind of knowing that came when I knew we were supposed to have Mackinley, and the same kind of knowing that came when a sweet voice whispered to me that it was time to let her go. Heavnly Father blesses our lives in many ways. And sometimes in a way we didn't ask for or can understand. But I know as the years pass when I look back there won't be a single day that I will regret what I have gone through. It helps me to strive to be a better person every day. It has drawn me closer to my husband, and my children. And above all it has given me a knowledge of the love that my Heavenly Father has for me. And a sure testimony of the atonement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I have felt him pick me up and carry me when I felt I could no longer walk. I have felt his arms encircle me when my heart was breaking and above all I have felt peace in times I was sure I was going to fall apart. So as i put things away. I am so thankful that a perfect baby girl chose me to be her "mommy" and I look forward to the day when I can tell her how much I love her,because she has told me many many times over the past 5 months. A sweet whisper to my heart as real as if she were standing next to me.

Longing

Today as I look through through the girls' closet for their church clothes I see the dresses we bought them for the funeral. And I feel a knot in my chest and tears forming in my eyes. I miss her always, but don't think about it all the time. It has been almost 4 months now. And I can honestly say I am doing great. I understand and know in my heart that she was never meant to stay here, and that she will be mine to hold again one day. But every so often a tiny spark of doubt creeps into my head and I think, should we have tried harder to save her. Could she still be with us now, if we had gone to a big hospital and taken ever measure. When this happens I muster all the strength I possess and push it away. I was told in my heart it was time to let her go. But that doesn't replace the emptiness I feel when I mom holding a baby around the same age. Will I ever be able to hold a baby again. I see friends and family having babies and while I long to hold mine I have no desire to hold theirs. And while I now I can hold Mackinley again I often wonder "Am I living good enough for that to happen, there are so many things I need to do better." There is a Mackinley on Tucker's T-ball team and every time they call her name I feel like my heart is breaking in two, knowing will willnever sit at ball games for MY Mackinley...And yet everyday in my prayers I will thank my Heavenly father for sending her to us, and ask him to let her know how much she is loved by her mom, and how I can't wait to hold her again.

A New Meaning For Memorial Day

It is Memorial Day weekend. It seems as though about every 4 weeks something comes along that is a sharp reminder of the baby girl I no longer hold in my arms. And this one is no-less painful. What a hard thing to go to that tiny spot at the cemetary,. I told Jared that I was doing special flowers for Mackinley. It is so hard to know that as her mom there was nothing I could do for her, to make her whole. And while I know I gave her that body she needed to be able to enjoy eternal life, sometimes I feel as though I did so little for her. While she has done so much for me. As we stood gathered around her small little plot my sweet Tucker said to me. "Mom, don't be sad. Mackinley isn't here she is in Heaven and she is happy." What a blessing to be able to teach so fully the plan of Salvation to my children. For them to know that there is more to this life. SO while this weekend and all the holidays that will follow are a painful reminder of what our family has lost they are an equally joyful reminder of what we have to look forward to. What we are striving to become. And while learning to balance both emotions is a hard thing, it is something I hope will become easier with time. Aren't we all just stones in the river, tossed and turned when the current of life is strong. And all the while that current is polishing us into something great if we let it. So while my hearts aches for my baby girl, and sometimes the tears overflow, I am thankful she chose to be a part of our lives. I will never feel closer to Heaven than I did for that 20 minutes of her life.

Perspective in times of loss

I spoke to someone today that lost a child. They asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm doing good." The response was. "You can't really be doing good you have buried a baby. I know how that feels and for the rest of your life you will say you are good when in reality you are only doing okay." I thought about this for a while after we finished talking. And YES I HAVE BAD days. The other day I totally griped and whined to my sister-in-law (thank's for listening)
But the reality is I am doing good, and some days even GREAT. Holidays, and the 7th of each month will never be the same. And neither will my birthday. ( I had ALWAYS DREADED turning thiry. It must have been premonition because, as most of you know, my 30th birthday was spent at Mackinley's viewing.)
And while there are deffinately CRAPPY days and moments. I feel very strongly it is mostly perspective. you can let what happens to you ruin you and send you into the depths of despair. Or you can take the plate you have been dished and let in bend shape and mold you into something more than you were. Yes, I still have my struggles. It is hard too look like you had a baby a while ago and not have one to show for it. I wake to that everyday. It is hard to answer the question "how many kids do you have" To see people walking around with a baby the same age as yours should be. I have yet to hold a newborn baby. And the truth is I have NO desire to right now. The day that changes I am sure I will feel whole again.
Butthe simple truth is LIFE IS HARDit doesn't matter who you are. We all struggle. But what are we doing with those struggles. We are all stones rough and jagged around the edges it is how we deal with the trials washing around us that poish us into something beautiful.

Bumps in the road

This past weekend was much harder then I thought it would be. Saturday marked the two month date that Mackinley came and left. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. Sometimes it sits in my mind as clear as if it was yesterday. And sometimes it all seems to have been just a bad dream from ages ago. And yet when a day like mother's day comes all the pain and heartache come flooding back. It is days like that I am reminded that I should be celebrating this day with my 3 older children and a baby in my arms. I almost started crying in the middle of Wal-Mart as I was picking out mother's day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. It is times like these that for a brief moment I think, if we would have gone somewhere else and did the whole life-support, take ever measure, would I be spending mother's day with that beautiful little girl? And when these thoughts creep in I have learned to push them away. I could make myself crazy with "why's" and "what ifs". It is times like this I remind myself that while at the Temple I was told it was time to let her go and that it is okay. It is as it should be she is happy whole and waiting for me. And while eternity seems forever away I know the time in this life is just a blink compared to the time I will have with her. So while I will continue to have bumps in the road of life,I will choose to make this journey and the hard days it brings stepping stones and not stumbling blocks. And I will find peace in the knowledge that we made the right choice we chose what was best for her. Not what we wanted but what she needed. And I know in my heart she is thankful for that.

Moving Forward

In preparation for the days, months, etc... after leting Mackinley go I read many blogs. And it always seemed that people walked around in a fog that seemed to take forever to clear. I will admit the first week wasn't horrible. But every waking second was spent preparing for the viewing and funeral. The second week was excruciating. While I remaind tough during the days when bedtime rolled around Jared spent most nights holding me as I cried. It will be one month tomorrow that our little angel slipped into heaven. And life is moving on. Yes I think of her. Not as often as I used to. And she doesn't consume my thoughts as I thought she would. Little things will remind me of her. The hardest part was when a stranger asked me if I had other children besides Jordyn. I said no and then felt horrible. i decided that isn't the response for me. I like to talk about her, I like to share her. She is my child and I am thankful for all that she taught me.
I feel myself healing everyday. I have learned healing is like a puzzle it comes one "peace" at a time. And I find that I only want to remember those sweet tender moments. Even as I look back on the pictures i can tell when she was no longer "there". We were blessed to be given a digital picture frame by my sister and brother in-law. Right now it shows all Mackinley's pictures. And I have felt strongly that it is time to change it to those ones that bring peace as I view them. I can feel her desire for me to be at peace and to move ahead. I am so thankful for the knowledge of a Heavenly Father that trusted our family enough to send such a special, Valiant spirit to our family. What a miracle the atonement of Jesus Christ is that allows us to be forgiven of our sins. And what a blessing it is to know that Jared and I have an eternal marriage sealed in the Temple that makes my family eternal. I feel Mackinley often reminding me of what lays ahead and encouraging me to keep moving forward.

A balancing act

It has been three weeks now since I held Mackinley. Sometimes it is hard to believe this is all real. The hardest thing now is finding balance. I don't feel guilt for being able to laugh, and enjoy my life. I know that Mackinley is whole and happy. And I know she wants the same for our family. The hard thing is how to move on without feeling like I am forgetting her. I think it is often easier for people to not talk to me about her, because they think it is easier for me. But just as I have shared her nine month journey with our family, I want to continue to share her. She is a part of our eternal family, one of my 4 children, and I don't hold her any less important because she only spent 20 minutes in my arms. What a miraculous 20 minutes she gave. And so now I walk a balance beam, of holding on while letting go all at the same time. Yes, there are ups and downs, but the downs are few and far between. And I am so thankful for the healing that I feel in my heart, and see taking place in my home. And I am thankful for a family that has so faithfully traveled this journey with me. Jared is my rock, he keeps me grounded. And the love my children have for their sister will always amaze me. I know I will never forget Mackinley and it is my hope that even though Avery, Tuck, and Jordyn are so young they will hold her close in their hearts. I never imagined my family would be blessed with such a wonderful experience. SO together we walk this road of life waiting for the day our family is whole.