A New Meaning For Memorial Day

It is Memorial Day weekend. It seems as though about every 4 weeks something comes along that is a sharp reminder of the baby girl I no longer hold in my arms. And this one is no-less painful. What a hard thing to go to that tiny spot at the cemetary,. I told Jared that I was doing special flowers for Mackinley. It is so hard to know that as her mom there was nothing I could do for her, to make her whole. And while I know I gave her that body she needed to be able to enjoy eternal life, sometimes I feel as though I did so little for her. While she has done so much for me. As we stood gathered around her small little plot my sweet Tucker said to me. "Mom, don't be sad. Mackinley isn't here she is in Heaven and she is happy." What a blessing to be able to teach so fully the plan of Salvation to my children. For them to know that there is more to this life. SO while this weekend and all the holidays that will follow are a painful reminder of what our family has lost they are an equally joyful reminder of what we have to look forward to. What we are striving to become. And while learning to balance both emotions is a hard thing, it is something I hope will become easier with time. Aren't we all just stones in the river, tossed and turned when the current of life is strong. And all the while that current is polishing us into something great if we let it. So while my hearts aches for my baby girl, and sometimes the tears overflow, I am thankful she chose to be a part of our lives. I will never feel closer to Heaven than I did for that 20 minutes of her life.

Perspective in times of loss

I spoke to someone today that lost a child. They asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm doing good." The response was. "You can't really be doing good you have buried a baby. I know how that feels and for the rest of your life you will say you are good when in reality you are only doing okay." I thought about this for a while after we finished talking. And YES I HAVE BAD days. The other day I totally griped and whined to my sister-in-law (thank's for listening)
But the reality is I am doing good, and some days even GREAT. Holidays, and the 7th of each month will never be the same. And neither will my birthday. ( I had ALWAYS DREADED turning thiry. It must have been premonition because, as most of you know, my 30th birthday was spent at Mackinley's viewing.)
And while there are deffinately CRAPPY days and moments. I feel very strongly it is mostly perspective. you can let what happens to you ruin you and send you into the depths of despair. Or you can take the plate you have been dished and let in bend shape and mold you into something more than you were. Yes, I still have my struggles. It is hard too look like you had a baby a while ago and not have one to show for it. I wake to that everyday. It is hard to answer the question "how many kids do you have" To see people walking around with a baby the same age as yours should be. I have yet to hold a newborn baby. And the truth is I have NO desire to right now. The day that changes I am sure I will feel whole again.
Butthe simple truth is LIFE IS HARDit doesn't matter who you are. We all struggle. But what are we doing with those struggles. We are all stones rough and jagged around the edges it is how we deal with the trials washing around us that poish us into something beautiful.

Bumps in the road

This past weekend was much harder then I thought it would be. Saturday marked the two month date that Mackinley came and left. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. Sometimes it sits in my mind as clear as if it was yesterday. And sometimes it all seems to have been just a bad dream from ages ago. And yet when a day like mother's day comes all the pain and heartache come flooding back. It is days like that I am reminded that I should be celebrating this day with my 3 older children and a baby in my arms. I almost started crying in the middle of Wal-Mart as I was picking out mother's day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. It is times like these that for a brief moment I think, if we would have gone somewhere else and did the whole life-support, take ever measure, would I be spending mother's day with that beautiful little girl? And when these thoughts creep in I have learned to push them away. I could make myself crazy with "why's" and "what ifs". It is times like this I remind myself that while at the Temple I was told it was time to let her go and that it is okay. It is as it should be she is happy whole and waiting for me. And while eternity seems forever away I know the time in this life is just a blink compared to the time I will have with her. So while I will continue to have bumps in the road of life,I will choose to make this journey and the hard days it brings stepping stones and not stumbling blocks. And I will find peace in the knowledge that we made the right choice we chose what was best for her. Not what we wanted but what she needed. And I know in my heart she is thankful for that.

Moving Forward

In preparation for the days, months, etc... after leting Mackinley go I read many blogs. And it always seemed that people walked around in a fog that seemed to take forever to clear. I will admit the first week wasn't horrible. But every waking second was spent preparing for the viewing and funeral. The second week was excruciating. While I remaind tough during the days when bedtime rolled around Jared spent most nights holding me as I cried. It will be one month tomorrow that our little angel slipped into heaven. And life is moving on. Yes I think of her. Not as often as I used to. And she doesn't consume my thoughts as I thought she would. Little things will remind me of her. The hardest part was when a stranger asked me if I had other children besides Jordyn. I said no and then felt horrible. i decided that isn't the response for me. I like to talk about her, I like to share her. She is my child and I am thankful for all that she taught me.
I feel myself healing everyday. I have learned healing is like a puzzle it comes one "peace" at a time. And I find that I only want to remember those sweet tender moments. Even as I look back on the pictures i can tell when she was no longer "there". We were blessed to be given a digital picture frame by my sister and brother in-law. Right now it shows all Mackinley's pictures. And I have felt strongly that it is time to change it to those ones that bring peace as I view them. I can feel her desire for me to be at peace and to move ahead. I am so thankful for the knowledge of a Heavenly Father that trusted our family enough to send such a special, Valiant spirit to our family. What a miracle the atonement of Jesus Christ is that allows us to be forgiven of our sins. And what a blessing it is to know that Jared and I have an eternal marriage sealed in the Temple that makes my family eternal. I feel Mackinley often reminding me of what lays ahead and encouraging me to keep moving forward.

A balancing act

It has been three weeks now since I held Mackinley. Sometimes it is hard to believe this is all real. The hardest thing now is finding balance. I don't feel guilt for being able to laugh, and enjoy my life. I know that Mackinley is whole and happy. And I know she wants the same for our family. The hard thing is how to move on without feeling like I am forgetting her. I think it is often easier for people to not talk to me about her, because they think it is easier for me. But just as I have shared her nine month journey with our family, I want to continue to share her. She is a part of our eternal family, one of my 4 children, and I don't hold her any less important because she only spent 20 minutes in my arms. What a miraculous 20 minutes she gave. And so now I walk a balance beam, of holding on while letting go all at the same time. Yes, there are ups and downs, but the downs are few and far between. And I am so thankful for the healing that I feel in my heart, and see taking place in my home. And I am thankful for a family that has so faithfully traveled this journey with me. Jared is my rock, he keeps me grounded. And the love my children have for their sister will always amaze me. I know I will never forget Mackinley and it is my hope that even though Avery, Tuck, and Jordyn are so young they will hold her close in their hearts. I never imagined my family would be blessed with such a wonderful experience. SO together we walk this road of life waiting for the day our family is whole.

3 steps forward 2 steps back

Monday will be 2 weeks since Mackinley joined and left our family. I spent the last 5 months looking forward to as well as dreading her birth. Knowing that it would take her from us. And I spent a lot of time wondering how I would keep going. Would I spend my days crying, mourning the baby I no longer hold? Would I feel as though any instances of joy were a betrayal to her? How would I keep going? The morning after we had Mackinley I woke around 8am. Jared was still sleeping and our other 3 children were at his parents house. As I left the bedroom for a shower Jared asked me where I was going. I told him "I have to make a choice. I have to get out of this bed because if I don't I will lay here and cry all day." Just as that day consisted of making a concious choice to move forward so has everyday since she left. Each morning I have to chose to get out of bed and move ahead. Jared has helped me so much, when people ask questions and I can't muster the strength to speak he takes that burden from me.
We had the opportunity to go to a Utah Jazz basketball game this week. Being LDS we made sure to stop in at Temple square, before we came home. While we were there we watched a video about God's plan for families and the role and responsibilities of parents. This video is shown in different rooms that depict different life events in families. The second room we entered was a nursery for a baby girl, and it greeted us with the cry of a newborn baby. The second I entered I broke down, and the whole in my heart ripped wide open. As the video played it talked about how as parents we need to teach our children that they are childen of a heavenly Father that loves them, and that families are forever,and ho w much they are loved by their parents. While my heart ached fo the baby not in my arms there was a peace that came to me. It came as a testament to me that MAckinley knows she is a daughter of God and that he loves her, she knows her family is forever, and she knows how much Jared and I love her. The second I walked into the visitors center I felt her with me, walking with Jared and I in that holy place.
And while the days are rough, and sometimes the pain is so intense I can't even talk about her because it hurts so deeply, I will continue on. I push through the days and when I kneel next to my incredible husband in prayer to close our day the tears pour as if a dam has broken. Because I feel her near and long to hold her, I will keep going taking what seems to be 3 steps forward and sliding 2 steps back, because I know what I need to do to hold her again. And when the times are espically hard I say to myself the scripture I shared at her viewing. John 14:27 "peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto to you. Let not your heart be troubled neithe let it be afraid." I know where she is and i know she is waiting.

Fast and slow

Time has a way of doing strange things. It seems to me that is goes fast as well as slow. Friday night we held a viewing for Mackinley. Looking back I know that I was blessed with Mackinley's presence. As well as a loving Heavenly Father that held me together through it all. It was wonderful to be able to share her and her sweet spirit with our family and friends. Saturday was her funeral, what a beautiful day. The weather couldn't have been any better. A slight breeze, and the sun warming my face. The service was perfect. Once again I could feel her with me, as I stood and spoke of all the things she taught myself and my family. What a holy day. What a miracle, for us.
One week ago today I held her in my arms, watched her cry her first tiny cry. I watched her proud daddy cut the cord, and shed tears as he held her tight. One week ago today I watched her cry her last cry. I watched slip into Heaven, I felt her leave. I cried tears of sorrow, not for her because I know she is whole and happy, but for us because we are the ones that must keep moving forward. One week ago today our family received an angel, one that we will hold in our hearts until we are able to hold her in our arms.
While she is gone she is still here, yesterday as we had lunch with some family a blessing was being said on the food, and I could feel her with me. I know as time passes she will come and go. And while there are still tears to be cried, there is joy to be found in the knowledge that Heaven is real, and that families are FOREVER, and in the fact that our family has and forever will be blessed to have 3 beautiful daughters. Two that are here with us and one that is waiting, and cheering us on.
Mackinley we are so thankful that you gave us 20 minutes in our lives, a lifetime in our hearts, and ETERNITY in Heaven.