Balance

I have many things to learn in this life. The hardest of which is how to be happy for those around me while dealing with my own pain. There are many people in my life that I am happy for, but being around them hurts me. Not by any fault of theirs. Not because I am bitter at them,or unhappy for them, but more because of the sharp reality they are of what I am missing. I don't expect anyone to understand what I mean by this. Unless you have been where I have, you will not. To most it all probably sounds shallow, and selfish. See it how you like. I believe that a person can be happy for people around them but hurting at the same time. I know this because I feel it all the time. A sense of joy for someone else, and at the same time a stabbing pain brought on by the reminder of what I am missing. And while I know one day I will hold Mackinley in my arms again, this year of firsts without her is a hard thing to balance. Sometimes it feels as though I held her alive in my arms just moments ago. While other times it seems as though it was a bad dream I have just awoken from. Either way balancing the sorrow that comes, when I am reminded that she is not here, with the peace of knowing she can be mine forever is a lesson that will take time. But as I think on this Chrstmas season I am comforted by thoughts of a loving Heavenly Father that sent a son to earth knowing he would have to watch him die. And he did all of this because he loved me (and you). Because he wanted us to be together forever. And by this great sacrifice I will hold my beautiful daughter in my arms again. In the meantime I will take these hard life-lessons, and hope that they mold me into the person my Heavenly Father sent me here to be. And pray for the strenghth to learn to balance the joy and pain that this life can bring.

Whisperings

As I watch people around me getting ready to welcome new babies into their lives. Sometimes in my mind I wish we would have fought to keep Mackinley with us, and I wonder how long she could have stayed if we would have chosen to fight for her life. Would we have had hours, instead of minutes, maybe a day or two, or even a week, or month. And then a whisper comes to my heart that takes me back to the moment 2 days before her birth, when Jared and I where told by the spirit that it was "time to let her go, she had done what she came to do." And while yes I wish she could have stayed longer, that sweet whispering that reminds me we did the right thing, brings peace to my troubled mind.... and I am reminded of a song that says, reffering to our Heavenly Father "sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He calms his child." And it is then that I am reminded that while I am sure it is difficult for Heavnely Father to see us suffer, I know the storms that enter my life are to better me, and to mold me into something more than I am. And I am thankful everyday calm that comes to my spirit, as I wait for the time I will hold Mackinley in my arms again.

The Holidays

The fall holiday season is upon us, with Halloween next week. This will be a growing experience for our family as we prepare to celebrate without Mackinley here. Jordyn asked me the other day "Mom, when is Jesus coming to our house?" I replied, "I don't know honey, why?" "Because when he comes again Mackinley will be here, and when we eat she can sit in my chair at the table, and I will let her weep (sleep) in my bed with me." My children are so blessed to have been able to experience such a wonderful teaching opportunity that will continue throughout their lives.
As I was at a friends house ( who has a baby) Avery (being Avery) says to my friend.. "you are so lucky, your baby didn't die." At this time I replied to her "and you are lucky to have a baby sister waiting for you in Heaven, not everyone has an angel baby, like we do." She still struggles to understand the why, but sometimes so do I.
And Tucker, he just tells me how much he "loves Mackinley, and when he gets to Heaven he will be the BEST BROTHER EVER" And I believe every word. He then throws in a plug for how much he "REALLY wants a brother." I choose not to think about that right now, or anytime in the near future.........
And Jared and I, well all I can say there is I am married to the most wonderful, understanding, compassionate man in the world. And am so thankful to have had him at my side through all of this............

6 months

It's hard to believe that on Wednesday you would have been 6 months old. Instead you are six months gone. I miss you soo much. And often feel that Heaven is a eternity away. I see people I know having babies all around me. I do not believe that I am bitter, just hurt. I have learned that bitterness is when you are not happy for other people. And I am so happy for them because I know all too well how much of a miracle a baby truely is. And so yes I am happy beyond words. I never knew you could be happy for someone and sad at the same time. I saw a friend and her new baby the other day. And while I was so happy for her the thought kept running through my head of "please don't ask me if I want to hold your baby, because I don't want you to be offended when I say no, I can't, it hurts too much." That is the difference between bitter and hurt. I sometimes think maybe we should try again. And then I wonder would I even be able to hold my own baby, or would it still hurt to much. I often wonder what would you be doing? How would you have handled me going back to work? Would you be crawling? sitting up? Smiling at the sound of my voice? Would you be a daddy's girl like your sisters? And sometimes I wonder why I was chosen for this? Why where you given to me? I am no better than anyone else, average at best? Am I ever going to live well enough to be able to have you again? There are so many things I am failing at, how do I possibly deserve such a special little girl? I wrote this for Mackinley the other day...
Waiting:
Today you would be six months old
Bringing to us joys untold.
Crawling, smiling, and laughing a loud
The center of attention in every crowd.
But these things they were not meant to be
For God has take you home you see
So now I wait impatiently
To hold you in Eternity.

I am by no means a poet but writing is how I cope. This is really my first bad day in quite a while....which is good I guess. It's amazing how even with her gone I still worry about her. I wory the kids will forget her. I worry that I am not putting flower out like I should, I often worry that people will buy the plots next to her before we can afford to. I know this might sound dumb but I don't want her to be by strangers. I worryt hat we will never get her stone picked out. Jared keeps telling me we need to get her head stone picked out. But I don't think I can do it, after all I have had to do I just don't think I am strong enough for that. There is something about it that when I think about going in and picking one terrifies me, like it makes it all real. I worry about how I am going to get my family through the up coming holidays. The list is endless. But my biggest fear is that I will fall short andnot get to have her when it is all said and done.

If thou endure it well

A loss is a hard thing no matter what. And with it there is pain that comes and goes. Few things besides the gospel can bring true peace. And even then there are times when I really have to seek to overcome the sorrow It requires a faith that for me has to be sought after as it tends to come and go. But when the pain brings me to my knees before my Heavenly father there are always the same things that come to my mind....1."In the spirit world, the spirits of the righteous " are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they rest from all their troubles and from all care and sorrow." (True to the Faith and Alma 40:12)2. Having true faith in Jesus Christ....means believing that even hough you do not understand all things, He does. Remember that because He has experienced all your pains, afflictions,and infirmities, He knows how to help you rise above your daily afflictions."(True to the Faith)
3. D&C 121:7-8"... peace be unto thy soul; thins adversities and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
And then if thou endure it well God shall exhalt thee on high....
So while sometimes these "moments" of adversity feel as thou they will last a lifetime...there is no other choice but to endure

I put things away today

A friend of mine once said "Healing comes once peace at a time." I find that to be so true. It has been almost 5 months now. And today I took the stack of things next to my bad and put them in my pine chest. This wasn't just any stack of things it was MAckinley's stack. Her blankets, her memory box from the hospital. Those things that were sitting there day in and day out reminding me that I had a baby with Trisomy 18. A baby that Heavenly Father loved so much he only asked her to come and get a body then she could return to him. And he trusted Jared and I with her. What a blessing to be trusted with such a special gift. To be given our own miracle. My heart swells when I kneel next to little Jordyn(3 yrs) as she says her prayers that always include "bless "Kinley" help her be strong and healthy and big." I had no intention of putting those things away today. I just walked into my room and knew it was time. I have often been asked if we will try again. Right now I have no idea. I can't even bring myself to hold a new born baby. BUt I believe that when my heart is healed the day will come when I will be able to do that, and then I will know; just as I knew it was time to put things away. The same kind of knowing that came when I knew we were supposed to have Mackinley, and the same kind of knowing that came when a sweet voice whispered to me that it was time to let her go. Heavnly Father blesses our lives in many ways. And sometimes in a way we didn't ask for or can understand. But I know as the years pass when I look back there won't be a single day that I will regret what I have gone through. It helps me to strive to be a better person every day. It has drawn me closer to my husband, and my children. And above all it has given me a knowledge of the love that my Heavenly Father has for me. And a sure testimony of the atonement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I have felt him pick me up and carry me when I felt I could no longer walk. I have felt his arms encircle me when my heart was breaking and above all I have felt peace in times I was sure I was going to fall apart. So as i put things away. I am so thankful that a perfect baby girl chose me to be her "mommy" and I look forward to the day when I can tell her how much I love her,because she has told me many many times over the past 5 months. A sweet whisper to my heart as real as if she were standing next to me.

Longing

Today as I look through through the girls' closet for their church clothes I see the dresses we bought them for the funeral. And I feel a knot in my chest and tears forming in my eyes. I miss her always, but don't think about it all the time. It has been almost 4 months now. And I can honestly say I am doing great. I understand and know in my heart that she was never meant to stay here, and that she will be mine to hold again one day. But every so often a tiny spark of doubt creeps into my head and I think, should we have tried harder to save her. Could she still be with us now, if we had gone to a big hospital and taken ever measure. When this happens I muster all the strength I possess and push it away. I was told in my heart it was time to let her go. But that doesn't replace the emptiness I feel when I mom holding a baby around the same age. Will I ever be able to hold a baby again. I see friends and family having babies and while I long to hold mine I have no desire to hold theirs. And while I now I can hold Mackinley again I often wonder "Am I living good enough for that to happen, there are so many things I need to do better." There is a Mackinley on Tucker's T-ball team and every time they call her name I feel like my heart is breaking in two, knowing will willnever sit at ball games for MY Mackinley...And yet everyday in my prayers I will thank my Heavenly father for sending her to us, and ask him to let her know how much she is loved by her mom, and how I can't wait to hold her again.