It's hard to believe that on Wednesday you would have been 6 months old. Instead you are six months gone. I miss you soo much. And often feel that Heaven is a eternity away. I see people I know having babies all around me. I do not believe that I am bitter, just hurt. I have learned that bitterness is when you are not happy for other people. And I am so happy for them because I know all too well how much of a miracle a baby truely is. And so yes I am happy beyond words. I never knew you could be happy for someone and sad at the same time. I saw a friend and her new baby the other day. And while I was so happy for her the thought kept running through my head of "please don't ask me if I want to hold your baby, because I don't want you to be offended when I say no, I can't, it hurts too much." That is the difference between bitter and hurt. I sometimes think maybe we should try again. And then I wonder would I even be able to hold my own baby, or would it still hurt to much. I often wonder what would you be doing? How would you have handled me going back to work? Would you be crawling? sitting up? Smiling at the sound of my voice? Would you be a daddy's girl like your sisters? And sometimes I wonder why I was chosen for this? Why where you given to me? I am no better than anyone else, average at best? Am I ever going to live well enough to be able to have you again? There are so many things I am failing at, how do I possibly deserve such a special little girl? I wrote this for Mackinley the other day...
Waiting:
Today you would be six months old
Bringing to us joys untold.
Crawling, smiling, and laughing a loud
The center of attention in every crowd.
But these things they were not meant to be
For God has take you home you see
So now I wait impatiently
To hold you in Eternity.
I am by no means a poet but writing is how I cope. This is really my first bad day in quite a while....which is good I guess. It's amazing how even with her gone I still worry about her. I wory the kids will forget her. I worry that I am not putting flower out like I should, I often worry that people will buy the plots next to her before we can afford to. I know this might sound dumb but I don't want her to be by strangers. I worryt hat we will never get her stone picked out. Jared keeps telling me we need to get her head stone picked out. But I don't think I can do it, after all I have had to do I just don't think I am strong enough for that. There is something about it that when I think about going in and picking one terrifies me, like it makes it all real. I worry about how I am going to get my family through the up coming holidays. The list is endless. But my biggest fear is that I will fall short andnot get to have her when it is all said and done.
