What do you say?

The other day we were at the store and a complete strabger walks up to me and begins to tell me how cute I look. WHich was greatly appreciated. Noone ever feels cute 8 months pregnant. She then goes on to ask "When are you due? What are you Having? ISn't that so exciting? I bet you can hardly wait.. etc....." As soon as there is a 2 second pause in the conversation Tucker looks up at her and says, in a way only a 4 year old can. "Our baby is going to die." I can't even begin to describe the jumble of emotions that I felt. Guilt for playing along with the conversation. I tend not to tell strangers. It's like when I go to the dentist and they ask all the same questions, I don't want to sit in the awkward silence after I tell them while they clean my teeth not having the faintest idea what to say to me now. News like that tends to put a damper on the conversation real quick. I also felt horrible for the lady because now she is in an awkward situation. There just is no right thing to say when someone says as matter-of-fact as can be that their baby is going to die. And yet next time a stranger asks me all of those questions will I look at them and say well yes we are excited but we don't expect her to live. Probably not. After she is gone and people ask me how many kids I have I will say 4 but one went back to Heaven and is waiting for us there. It is just different to talk about it with people I know. Why burden a starnger with that. I don't think in this situation there is a right or wrong thing to do. We just handle it the best we can. And isn't that all that is ever asked of us. To do the best we can.

Inspiration or wishful thinking?

As Jared and I have dealt the best we can with our situation we have gone about it in a way that seems completely opposite. I don't feel that I am a "the glass is half empty" kind of person. But I am a realist and I know that Mackinley won't stay long with us. There are just too many complications. And while I can't wait for her to arrive I want everything lined out and ready for when the time comes to let her go. Jared on the other hand doesn't want to talk about or plan for it. He wants to just enjoy whatever time we might get and then take care of those things when we have to. That is probably why he looked completely SHOCKED last night. We were doing our standard grocery shopping and I grabbed a small package of preemie diapers and put them in the cart. With genuine shock he looked at me and asked "What are those for?" So I told him, "I just feel like we need to have some." Maybe it is just the mother in me that needs to have everything ready. So that i can take the best care of Mackinley whiel she is here and Avery, Tucker, and Jordyn after she is gone. Whether this is inspiration and Mackinley will come home for maybe even a day. Or it is just wishful thinking because the time is fast approaching, I have no idea. All I do know is that the weeks are going to fast and yet not fast enough. A part of me would carry her forever if it meant we could keep her with us. And yet another part of me is ready to return her to her Heavenly Father where she will be whole and free from pain. And we will be able to start a life time of picking up the broken pieces and wiping the reoccurring tears. I am so thankful that while I know this will be one of the hardest things my family will ever face (I hope), I know that death is not forever. And I will hold Mackinley again one day as we sit together in the Heavens as an eternal family.

New blog Title

THANK YOU JENNY FOR THE AMAZING PICS AND AWSOME BLOG TITLE!!!!!!

Winding down...........

As I feel the time slipping away I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling. Mostly sad because I know our time will more then likley soon run out. And yet the selfish part of me some days wishes this would all end so that we could start putting our lives together. I know I will never be the same as I was before we were blessed with Mackinley. And neither will any of my family. Maybe it is because I know that in the itme after she leaves us there will be many long hard days. And i wonder how I will make it throug. I know that I will and that I will be carried many of those days. I still look forward to the end of the waiting. it has been 3 months of waiting, and at times I am ready to move forward. And yet I am in NOW WAY ready to say goodbye. Letting go of mackinley will be no easier then if it was any of my other 3 children. I recieved the most beautiful quilt in the mail today. With a inspiring saying on it. It says "Love is a miracle only the heart understands." How true this is. It is hard to imagine how I could have so much love to the baby i have never held. And to see my small children exhibit an equivelent love for her never ceases to amaze me. It is truley a testament to me that life comes at the moment of conception. I don't care who you are or how you may view this. But I know through this trail we have faced that the moment a child is concieved they are a baby, a person, with a spirit sent from a loving Heavenly Father. And whether they are here long or only for a blink of an eye, one is no more or less important then the other. HE loves them all just as he loves us. And it is a comfort to know that he loves Mackinley and has blessed our lives with her presence. I feel her all the time and am thankful that i will have the opportunity to spend an eternity with such a special daughter of God.

Simple answers

I sit here tonight going over birth plans on the trisomy 28 web site. Wondering how it came to this. I am 32 weeks now. 3 months ago we were told Mackinley has Trisomy 18 and it is "not compatible with life" And so now here I sit. reviewing birth plans from other parents that have been in our situation. What do I want for Mackinley? A simple questions, with a simple answer. I want her to LIVE!!! It's too bad we can't always get what we want. And why is that? Another simple answer to a simple question. Because our Heavenly Father loves us. HE knows what is best. ANd while it may not seem the best for us at the time, I am sure down the road I will look back and know without a doubt in my mind that this was what was best not only for me but my entire family. Do I have to like it right now? NO.... but even now I am thankful for the beautiful baby girl that has touched my family in ways I could have never imagined. And this in turn makes me so thankful to a loving Heavenly Father that knows what is best. SO really what do I want for Mackinley? a simple question with a simple answer. I want whatever Heavenly Father has in store for her. Whether it be minutes, hours, days, or more. Or even if it is only for the time she lives within me. I want what he wants. Because he loves her and knows what is best. Does that make it any easier? No, as I type this i can barely see the keys through my tears. But "He never said it would be easy. He only said it would be worth it."

An amazing gift

This past weekend was a unique one. I never imagined I would be buying funeral plots for me, Jared, and a baby. We made another trip back to the OB. Mackinley's heart rate was up at 163. But as long as we are under 180 things are okay. From there we met with our famiy doctor sicne her will be her treating physician. We discussed with him our wishes. And are now in the process of coming up with a birth plan thatwill be signed by us and both doctoirs that way if for some reason one of the doctors is gone they will know what we want. Our family doctor was AMAZING as we discussed it he about started to cry. This little girl that has yet to arrive is touching many people. and for this i am thankful.
We were also blessed to have family/maternity pictures take by a wonderful friend. THANK YOU JENNY!!! It will be so wonderful to be able to look back and ( even though I feel INCREDIBLY round) have the pics from when I was carrying Mackinley.
I am 31 1/2 weeks now and sometimes I feel a sense of panic. Will I be able to truley handle letting my baby go when the time comes? But, deep within I feel a sense of peace. That I will be blessed with an understanding beyond my own. And a peace that can be brought only by knowing the plan of salvation. That wile I will have to say goodbye, it will only be temporary. What a blessing it is to be sealed in the Temple to a wonderful man. Knowing that if i do the best i can I will be able to hold my sweet little Mackinley Ann.
I often feel that this trial has been placed before us to teach my children. To help them learn and grow. So that they can become the people that our Heavenly Father knows they can be. They never cease to amaze me. Even little Jordyn loves MAckinley so much. Everytime she has a spare second she says to me "I say morning Kinley, mom." (even if it is the middle of the day) And I say yes. Then she says morning and I love you Kinley. And they all bless her in their prayers. Tucker says that when we get to Heaven he will feed her and change her diapers. He loves her in a way only a brother can. And Avery, tells me all the time " Mom i just want to hold her one time. To tell her I love her and that if she could stay I would be a good sister and share all my stuff with her."
Children are such a blessing. And I never realized how amazing of a gift they truely are until I learned I would have to give mine back. As people around me and people i know have babies my heart fills with joy for them because i believe I can honestly say I fully understand the miracle they are being given

Things to remember

As I tuck the kids into bed each night they all insist on saying "good-night" to Mackinley. And they each have their own special way. Avery says "Goodnight little Mackinley." Jordyn says (with her face pressed up against my stomach so you can hardly understand her) "night Kinley me love you." And sweet Tucker ALWAYS says to her. "Goonight Mackinley, this is Tucker your big brother. And I love you." He is so proud of her. Today as we got ready for the day he asked me if he would be able to hold her before we sent her back to Heaven. I told her I hoped so, but even if she already left for Heaven he would still get to hold her. He said to me. "Mom I am glad you and dad were married in the Temple because that means we can be with Mackinley again. And I promise when I get to Heaven I will be the best big brother ever." As i witness these small but enormous things I know in my heart that my three small children have been blessed with a great understanding. More then i could have taught them on my own. I pray daily for them that they will be comforted when the time comes. Until then I will continue to record these sweet moments so that as a fmaily we will one day be able to look back and remember together.(alot of this Tucker and Jordyn proably won't remember )

Blessings abound

In the following pictures are some of the many things we have been blessed with. The dress is what we will bless and bury Mackinley in. The bracelts were made, one for me and one for her, by a good friend. And the outfit as tiny as it may be is the one we are hoping to e able take put on her for the time we have to spend together.. Thank you to all for the gifts, love and prayers

Giving up

I sometimes wonder if people think I have given up. That I don't believe Mackinley could have a miracle. And while I fully believe thaat if our Haven;y Father's plan is for her to stay, she will. But, I have felt very strongly that while she may stay for a time it will not be very lojng. How long that is. Nobody knows. I can tell she has already lived longer then she "should have" with all the complications she has. And maybe a while will be months, it could also be weeks, days, hours, or minutes. Whatever it is it will be what it is supposed to. And I will be happy with whatever i get. Because I have already been blessed with more time then I should have gotten. Only 30% of Trisomy babies deliver alive. We are at 30 weeks, which is father then most get. So while I would love a miracle, I pray for what is Best for Mackinley, because accompanying the trisomy is spinabifida. And I want no pain of suffering for her. Even if that means losing her.... So have I given up? "NO" I just want what will be the best for her. And pray for the strength to get me through whatever that may be.

going too fast

This Saturday I will be starting my 30th week. None of my children have gone the full 40, and as each day turns into a week I wonder how much longer we will have. And when Mackinley comes how much time will we get. Will it be minutes, hours, days, a few weeks? Each case is different, it mostly depends on how much her lungs develope, and how long her heart can sustain her. At church this past Sunday i was visting with the Young Women I teach about Mackinleyt and how Jared and i didin't chose this trial. But when I got home I thought. In a way YES we did. We were given the choice to terminate/abort the day we found out(20 weeks). And never once did it even cross our minds. We chose for me to carry her and to provide her with her tiny body. And even if she never takes a breath I will never regret that choice. I have learned so much from her. I have leaned things about myself, and my Heavenly father. And for this i am thankful. She has not only taught me she has provided me with opportuniteas to teach my children. They love her SOOO much it amazes me. And wile i can't wait to see her the time is going to fast because I know our hello will lead to a god bye for now. But would i change it, or do anything different. Never, for a second, what a gift this is.