What i wouldn't give

It's Mother's Day today, and Jared just showed me a video about a girl who's baby was born with a severe cleft palate and he is blind as well. She talked aout how hard it was to be outin public. How peole would stare and whisper. What I wouldn't give to be able to take mackinley out in public. She was perfect, imperfections and all. And there are days I wish would would have fought to no end to keep her here with us. Because i wonder how much time we could have had with her if we would have tried to keep her alive.

THe hardest part of losing a child................

Healing is something that we all do differently. For some the pain I went through in losing Mackinley would be something they would not want to talk about or share. That is not my case. I feel she is a blessing and provides for me an opportunity to share my testimony. And yes, some days are better then others. When her birthday rolled around the pain was tremendous. Because not only was I longing for her, but I was watching soo many people around me having babies. But, never for a moment was I bitter or angry towards them. I believe with all my heart that it is possible to be happy for someone, while hurting/longing for yourself and your loss. I have experienced this in my own life. The joy in all of my closest friends having babies, while missing mine.
The hardest part in losing Mackinley is not that i have lost her, it is that the people that I should be able to share my feelings and memories with, are the ones that don't want to hear about her, or how I am feeling. They are the ones that have NEVER asked "How are you doing ?" I believe it is because they don't understand how it is I can feel sorrow for myself and joy for them at the same time.
They ridicule and judge my feelings and memories. Turning them into something negative directed towards them. And they take offense at the way I am finding peace and healing. When the fact of the matter is, Mackinley is my daughter just as much as my other 2 girls are. I will express my feelings happy or sad. And I will share memories because for the time being they are all I HAVE. And if in fact this makes someone uncomfortable, then they obviously don't know me very well at all. BEcause if they did they would know that while my feelings aren't always happy. And some days Iam sad. On those down days, they would help to lift. Not stand and wait for a chance to ridicule. They wouldn't feel the need to tip-toe around me. They would love me heart-ache and all. The would treat the way they always have. Not like "the girl who's baby died." That is what happened to me, it is NOT who I am.

Balance

I have many things to learn in this life. The hardest of which is how to be happy for those around me while dealing with my own pain. There are many people in my life that I am happy for, but being around them hurts me. Not by any fault of theirs. Not because I am bitter at them,or unhappy for them, but more because of the sharp reality they are of what I am missing. I don't expect anyone to understand what I mean by this. Unless you have been where I have, you will not. To most it all probably sounds shallow, and selfish. See it how you like. I believe that a person can be happy for people around them but hurting at the same time. I know this because I feel it all the time. A sense of joy for someone else, and at the same time a stabbing pain brought on by the reminder of what I am missing. And while I know one day I will hold Mackinley in my arms again, this year of firsts without her is a hard thing to balance. Sometimes it feels as though I held her alive in my arms just moments ago. While other times it seems as though it was a bad dream I have just awoken from. Either way balancing the sorrow that comes, when I am reminded that she is not here, with the peace of knowing she can be mine forever is a lesson that will take time. But as I think on this Chrstmas season I am comforted by thoughts of a loving Heavenly Father that sent a son to earth knowing he would have to watch him die. And he did all of this because he loved me (and you). Because he wanted us to be together forever. And by this great sacrifice I will hold my beautiful daughter in my arms again. In the meantime I will take these hard life-lessons, and hope that they mold me into the person my Heavenly Father sent me here to be. And pray for the strenghth to learn to balance the joy and pain that this life can bring.

Whisperings

As I watch people around me getting ready to welcome new babies into their lives. Sometimes in my mind I wish we would have fought to keep Mackinley with us, and I wonder how long she could have stayed if we would have chosen to fight for her life. Would we have had hours, instead of minutes, maybe a day or two, or even a week, or month. And then a whisper comes to my heart that takes me back to the moment 2 days before her birth, when Jared and I where told by the spirit that it was "time to let her go, she had done what she came to do." And while yes I wish she could have stayed longer, that sweet whispering that reminds me we did the right thing, brings peace to my troubled mind.... and I am reminded of a song that says, reffering to our Heavenly Father "sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He calms his child." And it is then that I am reminded that while I am sure it is difficult for Heavnely Father to see us suffer, I know the storms that enter my life are to better me, and to mold me into something more than I am. And I am thankful everyday calm that comes to my spirit, as I wait for the time I will hold Mackinley in my arms again.

The Holidays

The fall holiday season is upon us, with Halloween next week. This will be a growing experience for our family as we prepare to celebrate without Mackinley here. Jordyn asked me the other day "Mom, when is Jesus coming to our house?" I replied, "I don't know honey, why?" "Because when he comes again Mackinley will be here, and when we eat she can sit in my chair at the table, and I will let her weep (sleep) in my bed with me." My children are so blessed to have been able to experience such a wonderful teaching opportunity that will continue throughout their lives.
As I was at a friends house ( who has a baby) Avery (being Avery) says to my friend.. "you are so lucky, your baby didn't die." At this time I replied to her "and you are lucky to have a baby sister waiting for you in Heaven, not everyone has an angel baby, like we do." She still struggles to understand the why, but sometimes so do I.
And Tucker, he just tells me how much he "loves Mackinley, and when he gets to Heaven he will be the BEST BROTHER EVER" And I believe every word. He then throws in a plug for how much he "REALLY wants a brother." I choose not to think about that right now, or anytime in the near future.........
And Jared and I, well all I can say there is I am married to the most wonderful, understanding, compassionate man in the world. And am so thankful to have had him at my side through all of this............

6 months

It's hard to believe that on Wednesday you would have been 6 months old. Instead you are six months gone. I miss you soo much. And often feel that Heaven is a eternity away. I see people I know having babies all around me. I do not believe that I am bitter, just hurt. I have learned that bitterness is when you are not happy for other people. And I am so happy for them because I know all too well how much of a miracle a baby truely is. And so yes I am happy beyond words. I never knew you could be happy for someone and sad at the same time. I saw a friend and her new baby the other day. And while I was so happy for her the thought kept running through my head of "please don't ask me if I want to hold your baby, because I don't want you to be offended when I say no, I can't, it hurts too much." That is the difference between bitter and hurt. I sometimes think maybe we should try again. And then I wonder would I even be able to hold my own baby, or would it still hurt to much. I often wonder what would you be doing? How would you have handled me going back to work? Would you be crawling? sitting up? Smiling at the sound of my voice? Would you be a daddy's girl like your sisters? And sometimes I wonder why I was chosen for this? Why where you given to me? I am no better than anyone else, average at best? Am I ever going to live well enough to be able to have you again? There are so many things I am failing at, how do I possibly deserve such a special little girl? I wrote this for Mackinley the other day...
Waiting:
Today you would be six months old
Bringing to us joys untold.
Crawling, smiling, and laughing a loud
The center of attention in every crowd.
But these things they were not meant to be
For God has take you home you see
So now I wait impatiently
To hold you in Eternity.

I am by no means a poet but writing is how I cope. This is really my first bad day in quite a while....which is good I guess. It's amazing how even with her gone I still worry about her. I wory the kids will forget her. I worry that I am not putting flower out like I should, I often worry that people will buy the plots next to her before we can afford to. I know this might sound dumb but I don't want her to be by strangers. I worryt hat we will never get her stone picked out. Jared keeps telling me we need to get her head stone picked out. But I don't think I can do it, after all I have had to do I just don't think I am strong enough for that. There is something about it that when I think about going in and picking one terrifies me, like it makes it all real. I worry about how I am going to get my family through the up coming holidays. The list is endless. But my biggest fear is that I will fall short andnot get to have her when it is all said and done.

If thou endure it well

A loss is a hard thing no matter what. And with it there is pain that comes and goes. Few things besides the gospel can bring true peace. And even then there are times when I really have to seek to overcome the sorrow It requires a faith that for me has to be sought after as it tends to come and go. But when the pain brings me to my knees before my Heavenly father there are always the same things that come to my mind....1."In the spirit world, the spirits of the righteous " are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they rest from all their troubles and from all care and sorrow." (True to the Faith and Alma 40:12)2. Having true faith in Jesus Christ....means believing that even hough you do not understand all things, He does. Remember that because He has experienced all your pains, afflictions,and infirmities, He knows how to help you rise above your daily afflictions."(True to the Faith)
3. D&C 121:7-8"... peace be unto thy soul; thins adversities and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
And then if thou endure it well God shall exhalt thee on high....
So while sometimes these "moments" of adversity feel as thou they will last a lifetime...there is no other choice but to endure