Healing is something that we all do differently. For some the pain I went through in losing Mackinley would be something they would not want to talk about or share. That is not my case. I feel she is a blessing and provides for me an opportunity to share my testimony. And yes, some days are better then others. When her birthday rolled around the pain was tremendous. Because not only was I longing for her, but I was watching soo many people around me having babies. But, never for a moment was I bitter or angry towards them. I believe with all my heart that it is possible to be happy for someone, while hurting/longing for yourself and your loss. I have experienced this in my own life. The joy in all of my closest friends having babies, while missing mine.
The hardest part in losing Mackinley is not that i have lost her, it is that the people that I should be able to share my feelings and memories with, are the ones that don't want to hear about her, or how I am feeling. They are the ones that have NEVER asked "How are you doing ?" I believe it is because they don't understand how it is I can feel sorrow for myself and joy for them at the same time.
They ridicule and judge my feelings and memories. Turning them into something negative directed towards them. And they take offense at the way I am finding peace and healing. When the fact of the matter is, Mackinley is my daughter just as much as my other 2 girls are. I will express my feelings happy or sad. And I will share memories because for the time being they are all I HAVE. And if in fact this makes someone uncomfortable, then they obviously don't know me very well at all. BEcause if they did they would know that while my feelings aren't always happy. And some days Iam sad. On those down days, they would help to lift. Not stand and wait for a chance to ridicule. They wouldn't feel the need to tip-toe around me. They would love me heart-ache and all. The would treat the way they always have. Not like "the girl who's baby died." That is what happened to me, it is NOT who I am.
