Longing

Today as I look through through the girls' closet for their church clothes I see the dresses we bought them for the funeral. And I feel a knot in my chest and tears forming in my eyes. I miss her always, but don't think about it all the time. It has been almost 4 months now. And I can honestly say I am doing great. I understand and know in my heart that she was never meant to stay here, and that she will be mine to hold again one day. But every so often a tiny spark of doubt creeps into my head and I think, should we have tried harder to save her. Could she still be with us now, if we had gone to a big hospital and taken ever measure. When this happens I muster all the strength I possess and push it away. I was told in my heart it was time to let her go. But that doesn't replace the emptiness I feel when I mom holding a baby around the same age. Will I ever be able to hold a baby again. I see friends and family having babies and while I long to hold mine I have no desire to hold theirs. And while I now I can hold Mackinley again I often wonder "Am I living good enough for that to happen, there are so many things I need to do better." There is a Mackinley on Tucker's T-ball team and every time they call her name I feel like my heart is breaking in two, knowing will willnever sit at ball games for MY Mackinley...And yet everyday in my prayers I will thank my Heavenly father for sending her to us, and ask him to let her know how much she is loved by her mom, and how I can't wait to hold her again.